Moving On

All relationships end  - some with separation, some with divorce, some with death.  This means that in entering a relationship we implicitly accept that the other will leave us, or that we will leave them.  Grief is a normal and healthy part of this ending.  At the end of a relationship and afterward, we remember the grief we felt during the relationship and not only that we're feeling at the end.  So ironically, the worse a relationship was, the more we will grieve.  Often too, we're grieving for more than this ending, but the many others that are stacked inside us waiting for their chance to be cried out.

Grief hurts, but don't avoid it by partying or jumping right into another relationship.  Grief gives us impetus for growth and helps to ensure that we won't make the same mistakes twice.  Therapy is crucial during this time - it can assist us in addressing, processing, and resolving issues.  Since we're never mourning only the current issue, therapy will also help us work on buried issues from the past.  If you've been left, it's normal to have doubts about your will to live and your lovability, or even to want revenge.  And it's normal to talk to anyone who will listen.

Grief can't be willed away.  Don't attempt to let it go, but rather let it happen.  Allow it - yourself - to take all the time needed, regardless of friends who tell you to "get over it."  The scars left by brief can be ugly for years or can heal reasonably well.  The outcome depends on how well we work through the process.

It can be incredibly helpful to write letters.  These letters should never be sent, but are therapeutic through the process.  This is especially sage advice if you have the nagging need to tell your partner "one last thing" or give them "one bit of advice" which is often just a way to manipulate them to whatever response you desire.

"We become whole through relationships and through letting go of relationships."  - Sigmund Freud

 

To Stay, or Not to Stay... That is the Question

So that any friends or family reading this don't worry unnecessarily - and I hope that you don't - everything is fine in our relationship.  All of this is an effort to distill what I've learned and effectively communicate it to others.  My life path is one of growth and knowledge.  Effectively communicating and working through the roadblocks takes work.  Work that I'm happy to do because I know I have a wonderful partner.  One who speaks to my soul.  But, people are complicated, and no one is perfect.

Perhaps, you've hit a relationship roadblock.  You've tried to ignore it, then you decided to face up and talk about it.  And you've been talking about it... for weeks, months, years.  And things still haven't changed for the better.  How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

If you feel like somebody doesn’t care about you, and you feel this consistently, they probably don’t.  If you've both tried hard to change, and have taken the next steps of working with a therapist but are still unhappy, then maybe the relationship honestly can't work. 

How do you break off a toxic relationship?
When calling off a relationship, it’s important to be direct.  Ask your partner flat out where they see the relationship going.  If what they want and what you want are two different things, then you need to acknowledge this. Then you need to get support of friends, family, or a therapist during the breakup.  Allow them to help you grieve, and heal.  Talk about your experience and learn from it. Mindfully acknowledge the emotional experience of being in a toxic relationship and breaking free of it. Breathe, journal your feelings, and meditate. Reestablish your self esteem and worth as a unique person. Appreciate your strengths, and develop your interests. You deserve to feel good again.

What about the “I can change” plea?
If somebody has done something to you and you find that you can forgive them, then give them a second chance.  But if they continue to do it repeatedly, and you've confronted them with that reality, then it's time to leave.

Embrace Change. 
Change is your opportunity to create the life you want. What part of yourself has been neglected? Perhaps there is a trip you want to take, a subject you want to study, or a sport, hobby, language, or instrument you want to learn. Now is the time to love and honor yourself. Stay true to your interests and talents. Acknowledge and appreciate what makes you a valuable and unique person. Use that information to rebuild your sense of worth.

What are some good signs that you should stay?
Sometimes you just need to go with your gut.  Does the person share many common interests? Do they make you laugh?  Do you have a soul connection?  These are all reasons to work hard to overcome the hurdles before taking the easy way out.  Sometimes, the things that aren't working are dysfunctions in you and will simply be repeated with your next partner.
 

If we can successfully move past the conflict, and grow  both independently, and with our partner in the process, then love can expand to every facet of our life.  Success in the relationship can bring us such a deep level of security that it makes everything feel possible.  All obstacles in our life become bridges.  We may still have arguments, but they don't last long, they end in resolution, and they involve less replay of the past.  We take the content of the argument as information instead of criticism.  Instead of demanding that our expectations be met, we seek agreements.  We can now accept our partner as perfect, but in the way that an old shirt is perfect.

The psychological problems we have in relationships are the shadow of our spiritual journey.  Once we can come to peace with our partner, this peace radiates through our core.  We begin to realize that we can be angry with our partner and still love them, and they can do the same for us.  How liberating!  We're able to sustain love with other feelings.  It means that we or our partner can be weak or unavailable at times, and the other will still love us.  It's this openness and lack of judgment that fosters true commitment.  This is what helps us grow.

"Once we can accept that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, we can live wonderfully side by side.  As long as we succeed in loving the distance between one another, each of us can see each other as whole against the sky."   - Rainer Maria Rilke