Honey, We Have a Problem

How should you tell your partner, "We have a problem"?

Opening up this conversation can be extremely challenging.  As someone who initiated the conversation, and eventual separation with my ex-husband, I can personally attest to this.  For years, I was too ashamed to even confess my unhappiness to my closest friends because everyone thought we had the perfect relationship.  Not fighting does not equal compatibility or satisfaction, it can sometimes be a sign of lack of communication, as it was in our case.  Sometimes we can let hurts and resentments build up for months or years because we're afraid to rock the boat and deal with the conflict. 

And sometimes, when we finally do confess our true feelings, a fight ensues and it wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your partner in a way that doesn't lead to a fight?

First, this is what you should NOT do:

DO NOT make a demand. Don't force your partner to do what you want without consideration for how they will feel doing it.  Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem - resentment. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your partner for help, because it takes their feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.

DO NOT blame. Instead of blaming your partner for the problem, express that you have a problem, and ask for your partners help in solving it.

DO NOT raise your voice. This is the best way to get your partner on the defensive and ensure that they do not cooperate with you. Remember that it takes two to fight.  If your partner respond to your request or comments in anger, simply end the discussion and talk about it later.

Then, this is what you SHOULD do:

DO state your feelings or complaints as clearly as possible.  Avoid demands, disrespect or anger. Be honest, and make this about you, not them.

DO ask for your partner's perspective. How do they view this same situation and what might make it difficult for them to accommodate you?

DO brainstorm possible solutions together.  Look for solutions that take both of your feelings and desires into account. Avoid any solution where one of you gains at the other's expense. Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want. But also recognize the importance of eventually finding a solution that solves the problem.

Lastly, remember that it's best to deal with problems when they arise and not let them build. The better you become at stating your complaints with your partner's feelings in mind, and finding mutually agreeable solutions, the more you'll feel like dealing to each problem immediately.  Good communication is the key to a lasting and loving relationship.
  

Dealing with Change in Your Relationship

It’s a myth that people or relationships don’t change.  In fact, it’s inevitable.  Relationships go through different developmental stages and situations, such as job loss, health problems, financial issues and family conflict.  So, it’s natural for changes to occur.  This is a very good thing.  Without change, our relationships can become dull and routine, and can open the door to infidelity and death of the relationship entirely.  If we want to keep growing as individuals, it's imperative that our closest relationships grow too, or we'll grow apart from those we love most.  This is not to say that we need to become a clone of our partner, but that we need to work together to feed the desire for knowledge and spirit of playfulness.  When you add something new, which is what a change really is, you can add romance and passion to your relationship.

Dealing with Small Changes.  Small changes can be anything from your partner taking on a new hobby to being increasingly disorganized. Small changes can become small annoyances, too.  And interestingly, some of these changes aren’t changes at all. Your partner probably has always been a bit on the sloppy side; it’s just that now you’re noticing this habit. You’re simply seeing your partner differently.  It's important to talk about these small issues before they turn into big obstacles. If certain things bother you, bring them up using “I” statements and addressing “them in a positive, [non-defensive] and respectful way.”

Dealing with Big Changes.  At the core, big changes represent a direct contradiction to your own thoughts or values, which is what makes them so difficult to swallow. For instance, your spouse might’ve wanted kids before you got married but now has changed his or her mind. Or your partner once held conservative beliefs and now is becoming more liberal. Or your spouse who’s the CEO of a company wants to go back to school to become a teacher.  In these situations, couples need to discuss how much this difference or big change impacts each of you separately and impacts your relationship. This helps to figure out if you’re OK with the change and how you’re going to deal with it.  The result of these discussions will be to reach a compromise, to just accept the change, or not to.  If you’re stuck, take some time to self-reflect. Often we’re so adamant about a certain point of view, but we aren’t really sure why. Exploring what an issue means to you is important.  If you still can't move forward, then it might be time to visit a therapist.  Excerpted from Psychcentral


Of course, this is a drastic simplification.  I'll discuss some of the other variables to consider in my next posts.
 

Dealing with Change at Work

Many of us desperately crave change at work, and yet we’re uncomfortable and terrified when it occurs. But change is inevitable (and necessary for businesses to survive and thrive), so you’ll need to learn how to overcome those fears.

“There are many people who fear change at work for a variety of reasons,” says Michael Kerr, an international business speaker, author and president of Humor at Work. “Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking stupid and fear of the unknown.”

Most employees respond to internal changes in their work environment with nervousness and resistance because change for most people “raises questions about contribution, and they associate it with negativity,” says Sara Menke, the founder and chief executive of Premier, a boutique staffing firm in San Francisco.  “They think, What am I doing wrong to make my employer think that things should change?”  Excerpted from Forbes

It’s perfectly normal and healthy to be a bit fearful, confused or unsettled by workplace changes at first. The unhealthy part occurs with inappropriate or unhelpful responses. Fighting change or presenting a negative attitude will not help you transition through the process. The intelligent and mature strategy is to look for avenues to adjust to the change and thrive in the new environment.

It's also helpful to talk with colleagues, your partner, or your friend.  This will not only make you feel better, but remind you that you’re not alone. And designate “worry time.” Worrying interferes with your productivity and overall mood, so don’t let it spill over into every part of your work day. If you’re worried about the changes, designate a time each day when you’re going to focus on those fears - preferably outside of the work day. But also use that time to overcome those fears.

Change is hard - hard enough when it's self-imposed, but much more nerve-wracking when it's brought on from where you earn your livelihood. By applying these insights, you really can navigate change gracefully and use it to your advantage.