How should you tell your partner, "We have a problem"?
Opening up this conversation can be extremely challenging. As someone who initiated the conversation, and eventual separation with my ex-husband, I can personally attest to this. For years, I was too ashamed to even confess my unhappiness to my closest friends because everyone thought we had the perfect relationship. Not fighting does not equal compatibility or satisfaction, it can sometimes be a sign of lack of communication, as it was in our case. Sometimes we can let hurts and resentments build up for months or years because we're afraid to rock the boat and deal with the conflict.
And sometimes, when we finally do confess our true feelings, a fight ensues and it wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your partner in a way that doesn't lead to a fight?
First, this is what you should NOT do:
DO NOT make a demand. Don't force your partner to do what you want without consideration for how they will feel doing it. Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem - resentment. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your partner for help, because it takes their feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.
DO NOT blame. Instead of blaming your partner for the problem, express that you have a problem, and ask for your partners help in solving it.
DO NOT raise your voice. This is the best way to get your partner on the defensive and ensure that they do not cooperate with you. Remember that it takes two to fight. If your partner respond to your request or comments in anger, simply end the discussion and talk about it later.
Then, this is what you SHOULD do:
DO state your feelings or complaints as clearly as possible. Avoid demands, disrespect or anger. Be honest, and make this about you, not them.
DO ask for your partner's perspective. How do they view this same situation and what might make it difficult for them to accommodate you?
DO brainstorm possible solutions together. Look for solutions that take both of your feelings and desires into account. Avoid any solution where one of you gains at the other's expense. Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want. But also recognize the importance of eventually finding a solution that solves the problem.
Lastly, remember that it's best to deal with problems when they arise and not let them build. The better you become at stating your complaints with your partner's feelings in mind, and finding mutually agreeable solutions, the more you'll feel like dealing to each problem immediately. Good communication is the key to a lasting and loving relationship.
Opening up this conversation can be extremely challenging. As someone who initiated the conversation, and eventual separation with my ex-husband, I can personally attest to this. For years, I was too ashamed to even confess my unhappiness to my closest friends because everyone thought we had the perfect relationship. Not fighting does not equal compatibility or satisfaction, it can sometimes be a sign of lack of communication, as it was in our case. Sometimes we can let hurts and resentments build up for months or years because we're afraid to rock the boat and deal with the conflict.
And sometimes, when we finally do confess our true feelings, a fight ensues and it wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your partner in a way that doesn't lead to a fight?
First, this is what you should NOT do:
DO NOT make a demand. Don't force your partner to do what you want without consideration for how they will feel doing it. Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem - resentment. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your partner for help, because it takes their feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.
DO NOT blame. Instead of blaming your partner for the problem, express that you have a problem, and ask for your partners help in solving it.DO NOT raise your voice. This is the best way to get your partner on the defensive and ensure that they do not cooperate with you. Remember that it takes two to fight. If your partner respond to your request or comments in anger, simply end the discussion and talk about it later.
Then, this is what you SHOULD do:
DO state your feelings or complaints as clearly as possible. Avoid demands, disrespect or anger. Be honest, and make this about you, not them.
DO ask for your partner's perspective. How do they view this same situation and what might make it difficult for them to accommodate you?
DO brainstorm possible solutions together. Look for solutions that take both of your feelings and desires into account. Avoid any solution where one of you gains at the other's expense. Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want. But also recognize the importance of eventually finding a solution that solves the problem.
Lastly, remember that it's best to deal with problems when they arise and not let them build. The better you become at stating your complaints with your partner's feelings in mind, and finding mutually agreeable solutions, the more you'll feel like dealing to each problem immediately. Good communication is the key to a lasting and loving relationship.
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