Criticism and Complaints: Unmet Needs

Behind every criticism and complaint is an unmet need. What you could ask yourself is “What need might I have that’s not being met?” Then you can reframe the complaint to expressing a need. Giving yourself permission to express your needs helps validate them. Often, if we can see that our need is being heard, our pain is less acute. With luck, your partner will understand your sincerity and pain, and you can work through the issue(s) by:

• Talking about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want
• Avoiding phrases such as "You always" and "You never".
• Having your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.
• Brainstorming and discussing solutions to the problem
• Agreeing to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going. 

But what if your honesty and vulnerability aren't met with openness, and a shared desire to move forward constructively?  This is a clear indication that you have some work to do.  If your partner is open, you can begin this process together with the aid of self help books, or seek the unbiased help of a couples counselor. If your partner is unwilling to do either, it's likely a sign that you're in a dead-end "toxic" relationship.
 

Toxic doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship.  Sometimes it's hard to know whether you are in good, mutually supportive relationships with your partner, friends and family. There are several signs to look for:

It’s all about the other person.  You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

You feel tired, drained or exhausted being around this person.  Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though your partner is always raising complaints about you, or is filled with general negativity.

You're always wrong.  The other person constantly puts you down or insists that they're right. Toxic partners are controlling and demeaning. They gain their power from taking away yours.  They tend to "keep score" and blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship.  If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into “the relationship scorecard” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.  If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

You’re not allowed to grow and change.  Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

You lack trust.  You find yourself constantly doubting your partners words, and don't feel comfortable making yourself vulnerable by expressing your true thoughts and feelings.
 
You or your partner drop “hints” and other passive-aggression.  Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, you try to influence each other. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.  A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it. 

You don't feel heard. When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, does your partner listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If they refuse to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, then you need to ask yourself, “What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?”

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.  Be honest with yourself. If both parties are not fully committed to actively working on changes such as mutual respect, open communication, and positive regard, then start walking and don't look back. 

It may also be helpful to look at what you can be responsible for. The way other people treat you can be a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. What can you do to start taking care of yourself? 

There are other great questions to ask yourself:

• Are your thoughts, opinions, and aspirations important, valued, and supported by the other?
• Have you been questioning yourself and doubting your decisions despite believing you're right?

In the book How to Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richio, he emphasizes the art of mindful loving.  Especially in conflict, it's important to protect yourself, and your internal spirit.  Here are some tips:  

• Don't allow yourself to get weighed down by the conflict, or let the other person belittle you. 
• Ask for what you want 100% of the time.  Say yes to yourself twice as often as you say no, but be willing to compromise.
• Choose reconciliation over ongoing feuding.  Never retaliate or use violence.
• Confront or turn away from those who bring you down, put you down, or try to control you.
• Express your creativity - begin a project you have only imagined.
• Cultivate a sense of humor.  Learn to play and to see the humor in daily events.
• Be bold in your decisions.
• Spend more time in nature.
• Dance, write, draw or sing your feelings.