Perfectionism is considered sort of a virtue in our society. Perfectionists do a great job with the things they choose to focus on. Every detail is considered, to a fault. The unfortunate down-side to this is that perfectionists often are tortured by feelings of dread and relief in their efforts to reach this ideal. And it often doesn't stop with them, as they want to expand their control to others around them - partners, children, co-workers.
As a partner, the controlling perfectionistic presents well - meticulously dressed, conscientious, hard-working and considerate. But before long they begin commenting on your actions - that things aren't clean enough, that you chew too loudly, that you don't do things their way. It may seem that they can always find the 1% that's wrong and ignore the 99% that's good. In spite of all of your best efforts, they seem impossible to please.
Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you're always striving for some kind of magical fantasy ideal that no one can live up to.
In the book Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses and Other Incredibly Critical People by Neil J Lavender and Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD's they describe how to effectively deal with a controlling perfectionist so that they don't bring you down.
Be patient. Perfectionists can seem neurotic to non-perfectionists. Sometimes you might even feel like you're being harassed, and a disagreement over a tiny detail can easily explode into an argument. Learn how to walk away when you feel angry and say "Let's talk about this later. I need to cool off." It also helps to avoid taking things personally.
Be Assertive. When your feelings run high in a conflict situation simply state how you feel. You don't have to explain why, but it's important to let the other person know that you feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, belittled, humiliated... when they speak like that to you. Stick to your guns and don't back down. Then examine how you feel afterward. The next time you're tossing and turning in bed thinking of what you should have said, think of an assertive statement you can use next time.
Don't Argue Facts. Even if you know the other person is wrong. Your energy will be better spent expressing your views, opinions and feelings. Debating facts may only antagonize your partner.
Cultivate compassion. Many perfectionists struggle with fear of failure and criticism. Remind the perfectionist that perfectionism is a choice, one that you have not chosen for yourself. It's important to explain to the perfectionist that having things "perfect" makes them happy, but it doesn't make you happy, and doesn't serve any constructive purpose in your life. This may be hard for the perfectionist to understand, especially if they are in a position of authority and believe that they know what's best for you.
Agree to maintain a certain standard. It doesn't have to be what they define as perfect, but it helps if you're willing to compromise by stepping closer in that direction than you normally would.
Perhaps after reading this you're wondering if you're the perfectionist in the relationship. Take this Quiz to find out. If the answer is "Yes", you can take these steps to overcome it:
For more reading, check out A Personal Guide to Coping with Perfectionism.
As a partner, the controlling perfectionistic presents well - meticulously dressed, conscientious, hard-working and considerate. But before long they begin commenting on your actions - that things aren't clean enough, that you chew too loudly, that you don't do things their way. It may seem that they can always find the 1% that's wrong and ignore the 99% that's good. In spite of all of your best efforts, they seem impossible to please.Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you're always striving for some kind of magical fantasy ideal that no one can live up to.
In the book Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses and Other Incredibly Critical People by Neil J Lavender and Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD's they describe how to effectively deal with a controlling perfectionist so that they don't bring you down.
Be patient. Perfectionists can seem neurotic to non-perfectionists. Sometimes you might even feel like you're being harassed, and a disagreement over a tiny detail can easily explode into an argument. Learn how to walk away when you feel angry and say "Let's talk about this later. I need to cool off." It also helps to avoid taking things personally.
Be Assertive. When your feelings run high in a conflict situation simply state how you feel. You don't have to explain why, but it's important to let the other person know that you feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, belittled, humiliated... when they speak like that to you. Stick to your guns and don't back down. Then examine how you feel afterward. The next time you're tossing and turning in bed thinking of what you should have said, think of an assertive statement you can use next time.
Don't Argue Facts. Even if you know the other person is wrong. Your energy will be better spent expressing your views, opinions and feelings. Debating facts may only antagonize your partner.
Cultivate compassion. Many perfectionists struggle with fear of failure and criticism. Remind the perfectionist that perfectionism is a choice, one that you have not chosen for yourself. It's important to explain to the perfectionist that having things "perfect" makes them happy, but it doesn't make you happy, and doesn't serve any constructive purpose in your life. This may be hard for the perfectionist to understand, especially if they are in a position of authority and believe that they know what's best for you.
Agree to maintain a certain standard. It doesn't have to be what they define as perfect, but it helps if you're willing to compromise by stepping closer in that direction than you normally would.
Perhaps after reading this you're wondering if you're the perfectionist in the relationship. Take this Quiz to find out. If the answer is "Yes", you can take these steps to overcome it:
- Cultivate mindfulness by asking yourself if your disappointment over an outcome is actually rooted in your perfectionism
- Practice accepting imperfection—in yourself and in your partners
- Acknowledge effort—on your part and on the part of your partners
- Invite feedback. If the prospect of criticism terrifies you, ask your partner to give you constructive feedback regularly so you can get used to hearing it without feeling judged
For more reading, check out A Personal Guide to Coping with Perfectionism.
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