Honey, Can We Talk?

A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. All relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning effective communication skills to navigate through difficult topics.  It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management.

Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one “speaker” and one “listener” at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you're getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.

In Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell, there are some great tips to begin opening the line of real, honest communication.

1.  Hearing you say that, I feel...
2.  I want...
3.  I have some feelings to clear
4.  I'm getting triggered
5.  I appreciate you for...
6.  I hear you.  And I have a different perspective.
7.  Can we talk about how we're feeling

Susan goes into a lot of good detail about each one.  In particular, some suggestions that resonated with me are:

• That clearing the air regularly will teach you not to fear conflict, disagreement, or strong emotions.  It will also give you confidence that conflict can be resolved.  It's helpful to schedule a time daily or weekly so that anger and disappointment doesn't build up.  It prevents partners from being blindsided by a list of things they've done wrong during the entire history of the relationship.
• When you receive feedback, pause and take it in thoughtfully.  Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.  Do you feel relaxed or contracted, open or defended?  Share these feelings with your partner before you respond to the feedback so that they understand where you're coming from, and not reading in to what you say.  Think of what your partner is saying in terms of who your partner is.
• Avoid using phrases such as "You always" and "You never".  Generalization only serves to put the other person on the defensive, and isn't accurate.  Everything you say after these two words will be completely disregarded.
• Have your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.  Often, so much of what is said is interpreted differently, or we actually aren't speaking clearly enough about what we really mean or want.  This is the best was to avoid miscommunication.
• Most fears are fantasies about something that could happen in the future.  Being present is inherently empowering.  Your attention is focused where it ought to be - on the things you can affect.
• If you have a different perspective, be honest, but begin your feedback with "I hear you, and..."  All relationship require negotiation.  It's OK to agree to disagree.  Instead of giving in or trying to get your way, stating what you want alongside what you think the other wants creates a cooperative mindset.  This allows for more creative, mutually beneficial solutions to emerge.
• Take time to check in during an argument.  "Can we talk...?" is a way to step back from an intense interaction while it's still happening.  Once tempers cool down, when you can continue on with a dialogue instead of a shouting match.
• Openly share your appreciation of your partner.  When we appreciate each other as adults, we help each other heal from childhood wounds, which are often the primary cause of conflict to begin with.

Communication with one another is a powerful tool - it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.