Two key failure points in relationships are when:
1. One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2. When the others behavior is upsetting them
Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment. Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally. A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness.
Change YOUR Behavior. You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over. Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits. The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.
You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.
Model Mastery. While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them. For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything! Excerpted from PBS.org article
Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation. When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.
Just Do It! There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it? Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.
In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success. Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again. Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com
If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:
1. Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2. Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
3. Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4. Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5. Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.
But what if you relapse. Then what? How do you get back on track?
1. One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2. When the others behavior is upsetting them
Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment. Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally. A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness.
Change YOUR Behavior. You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over. Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits. The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.
You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.
Model Mastery. While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them. For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything! Excerpted from PBS.org article
Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation. When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.
Just Do It! There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it? Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.
In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success. Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again. Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com
If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:
1. Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2. Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action.
3. Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4. Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5. Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.
But what if you relapse. Then what? How do you get back on track?
- Evaluate trigger for relapse
- Reassess motivation and barriers
- Plan stronger coping strategies
- Make new realistic specific goals
- And most of all, stay positive!
You now know a secret that few fully appreciate — that there’s more to creating change than meets the eye, more than those who like to invoke the “just do it” imperative may care to admit. So, start where you are, take the steps forward that are appropriate for you now, and then just keep on going.
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