So maybe you have changed, and your good example still isn't rubbing off onto your partner. Is it time to lower your expectations?
Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions. Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.
If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, they often have clear suggestion of what their partner could or should do to make things better. Most people really don’t want a new partner, they want is their existing partner – with changes. When you're with someone in a committed partnership, you typically spend so much time together that all the little idiosyncrasies and flaws stand out. These can be negative traits that we've inherited from our parents, and maybe things we should change. Think of it like this - if you were at a party and had a piece of spinach in your teeth, wouldn't you want your partner to tell you? Of course!
Same Partner, With Changes.
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.
This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.
Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are.
Changing Your Partner.
First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from? Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.
Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support. But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.
Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions. Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.
Same Partner, With Changes.
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.
This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.
Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are.
Changing Your Partner.
First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from? Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.
Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support. But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.
Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity." - Epicurus
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