Relationships: Should You Lower Your Expectations?

So maybe you have changed, and your good example still isn't rubbing off onto your partner.  Is it time to lower your expectations?

Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.  Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.

If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, they often have clear suggestion of what their partner could or should do to make things better. Most people really don’t want a new partner, they want is their existing partner – with changes.  When you're with someone in a committed partnership, you typically spend so much time together that all the little idiosyncrasies and flaws stand out.  These can be negative traits that we've inherited from our parents, and maybe things we should change.  Think of it like this - if you were at a party and had a piece of spinach in your teeth, wouldn't you want your partner to tell you?  Of course!

Same Partner, With Changes.  
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.

This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.

Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are. 

Changing Your Partner.

First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from?  Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support.  But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
 

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."  - Epicurus

Relationships: Should YOU Change?

Two key failure points in relationships are when:

1.  One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2.  When the others behavior is upsetting them

Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment.  Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally.  A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness. 

Change YOUR Behavior.  You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over.  Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits.  The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.

You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.

Model Mastery.  While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them.  For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything!  Excerpted from PBS.org article

Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation.  When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.

Just Do It!  There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it?  Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.

In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success.  Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again.  Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com

If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:

1.  Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2.  Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
3.  Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4.  Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5.  Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

But what if you relapse.  Then what?  How do you get back on track?

• Evaluate trigger for relapse
• Reassess motivation and barriers
• Plan stronger coping strategies
• Make new realistic specific goals
• And most of all, stay positive!

 

You now know a secret that few fully appreciate — that there’s more to creating change than meets the eye, more than those who like to invoke the “just do it” imperative may care to admit.  So, start where you are, take the steps forward that are appropriate for you now, and then just keep on going.