When you think of changes you'd like to
make in your life in the coming year, think of them with
self-compassion. Each step of the way - even when you're tempted to give
up - remember that being kind to yourself will give you the strength to
change for good.
Every resolution to change begins with a burst of hope. You feel great when you exercise, so you vow to do it every day. Or maybe you realize that you're too critical of others, so you pledge to check yourself when negative thoughts start. When you make these promises, you feel light-hearted, elated, aligned with the real YOU. You're ready to honor your longing for health and happiness, and deep down, you know you're up to the challenge. But after the initial enthusiasm wears off and you hit your first setback, your inner critic raises it's ugly head. The voice gets louder and meaner, and soon self-doubt creeps in. Perhaps you try a different strategy, like setting stricter goals, or maybe you decide the resolution isn't so important after all. Either way, your inspiration fades and your old habits return.
Practice Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is the degree to which people treat themselves with warmth and understanding. Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult their experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain. When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Learn to view failure as a challenge to be overcome. Don't give up - try again and work harder the next time. Remember to practice self-love and then start over. The truth is that the more times you try to change a behavior, the more likely you are to succeed in making that change. Repeat your affirmations - "I can do this!" - rather than focus on thoughts of deprivation. The problem is not the initial mistake, but the misery you create over it. As a result, this tempts you to turn for comfort to the very thing you're trying to quit, or to give up a goal so you don't have to feel bad about failing. Studies have shown that whether you're trying to lose weight, quit smoking, or start exercising regularly, accepting yourself where you are - and forgiving yourself for setbacks - makes you more likely to succeed.
One of the world's leading researchers on the topic is Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Human Development at the University of Texas, Austin. She says, "There is a strong belief that we need self-criticism to motivate us. Meaning, 'If I'm not hard on myself, I'll let myself get away with everything.'" This, says Neff, reflects a fundamental misunderstanding about what self-compassion is: being kind and supportive with yourself when you're confronting personal weaknesses, challenges, and setbacks. "Self-compassion goes beyond self-acceptance," she says. "It has an active element of caring, of wanting the best for yourself. It means saying to yourself, 'I want to heal, to be happy, to be healthy,' and knowing that sometimes requires you to make a change." She says that if you view the change you're trying to make as an act of self-care instead of trying to motivate yourself with anger or rejection, you'll be more likely to succeed. When you're self-critical, you treat yourself in ways you would never want to treat someone you love: beating yourself up for every imperfection, punishing yourself for any weakness, and discouraging yourself from going after what you really want. Instead of criticizing yourself, find a positive motivation for change. "Remember that you are a person who deserves unconditional love and deserves not to suffer," she says. "You can make any change from this point of view. Just say to yourself, I'm changing this behavior because I deserve to live a healthier, happier life."
Developing a new way to respond to yourself will take time, effort, and experience to replace your old ways. But as you attain increased self-compassion, you will enjoy a new openness, increased resilience, and sense of well-being that you can enjoy for a lifetime.
Every resolution to change begins with a burst of hope. You feel great when you exercise, so you vow to do it every day. Or maybe you realize that you're too critical of others, so you pledge to check yourself when negative thoughts start. When you make these promises, you feel light-hearted, elated, aligned with the real YOU. You're ready to honor your longing for health and happiness, and deep down, you know you're up to the challenge. But after the initial enthusiasm wears off and you hit your first setback, your inner critic raises it's ugly head. The voice gets louder and meaner, and soon self-doubt creeps in. Perhaps you try a different strategy, like setting stricter goals, or maybe you decide the resolution isn't so important after all. Either way, your inspiration fades and your old habits return.
Practice Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is the degree to which people treat themselves with warmth and understanding. Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult their experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain. When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when
you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t
like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain, or mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for
various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you're kind
and understanding when confronted with personal failings. Nobody's perfect. Don't mistake the behavior you
want to change for who you are, rather than see it for what it is - a
pattern or a habit that's not serving you. You may try to change in
ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done
because you care about yourself, not because you're worthless or
unacceptable as you are.
Maybe most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You'll encounter frustrations, make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life. When you recognize yourself as fundamentally perfect instead of focusing on your flaws, you can see your negative patterns without judgment.
Maybe most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You'll encounter frustrations, make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life. When you recognize yourself as fundamentally perfect instead of focusing on your flaws, you can see your negative patterns without judgment.
Learn to view failure as a challenge to be overcome. Don't give up - try again and work harder the next time. Remember to practice self-love and then start over. The truth is that the more times you try to change a behavior, the more likely you are to succeed in making that change. Repeat your affirmations - "I can do this!" - rather than focus on thoughts of deprivation. The problem is not the initial mistake, but the misery you create over it. As a result, this tempts you to turn for comfort to the very thing you're trying to quit, or to give up a goal so you don't have to feel bad about failing. Studies have shown that whether you're trying to lose weight, quit smoking, or start exercising regularly, accepting yourself where you are - and forgiving yourself for setbacks - makes you more likely to succeed.
One of the world's leading researchers on the topic is Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Human Development at the University of Texas, Austin. She says, "There is a strong belief that we need self-criticism to motivate us. Meaning, 'If I'm not hard on myself, I'll let myself get away with everything.'" This, says Neff, reflects a fundamental misunderstanding about what self-compassion is: being kind and supportive with yourself when you're confronting personal weaknesses, challenges, and setbacks. "Self-compassion goes beyond self-acceptance," she says. "It has an active element of caring, of wanting the best for yourself. It means saying to yourself, 'I want to heal, to be happy, to be healthy,' and knowing that sometimes requires you to make a change." She says that if you view the change you're trying to make as an act of self-care instead of trying to motivate yourself with anger or rejection, you'll be more likely to succeed. When you're self-critical, you treat yourself in ways you would never want to treat someone you love: beating yourself up for every imperfection, punishing yourself for any weakness, and discouraging yourself from going after what you really want. Instead of criticizing yourself, find a positive motivation for change. "Remember that you are a person who deserves unconditional love and deserves not to suffer," she says. "You can make any change from this point of view. Just say to yourself, I'm changing this behavior because I deserve to live a healthier, happier life."
Developing a new way to respond to yourself will take time, effort, and experience to replace your old ways. But as you attain increased self-compassion, you will enjoy a new openness, increased resilience, and sense of well-being that you can enjoy for a lifetime.
"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." - Gail Sheehy
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