Honey, Can We Talk?

A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. All relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning effective communication skills to navigate through difficult topics.  It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management.

Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one “speaker” and one “listener” at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you're getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.

In Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell, there are some great tips to begin opening the line of real, honest communication.

1.  Hearing you say that, I feel...
2.  I want...
3.  I have some feelings to clear
4.  I'm getting triggered
5.  I appreciate you for...
6.  I hear you.  And I have a different perspective.
7.  Can we talk about how we're feeling

Susan goes into a lot of good detail about each one.  In particular, some suggestions that resonated with me are:

• That clearing the air regularly will teach you not to fear conflict, disagreement, or strong emotions.  It will also give you confidence that conflict can be resolved.  It's helpful to schedule a time daily or weekly so that anger and disappointment doesn't build up.  It prevents partners from being blindsided by a list of things they've done wrong during the entire history of the relationship.
• When you receive feedback, pause and take it in thoughtfully.  Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.  Do you feel relaxed or contracted, open or defended?  Share these feelings with your partner before you respond to the feedback so that they understand where you're coming from, and not reading in to what you say.  Think of what your partner is saying in terms of who your partner is.
• Avoid using phrases such as "You always" and "You never".  Generalization only serves to put the other person on the defensive, and isn't accurate.  Everything you say after these two words will be completely disregarded.
• Have your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.  Often, so much of what is said is interpreted differently, or we actually aren't speaking clearly enough about what we really mean or want.  This is the best was to avoid miscommunication.
• Most fears are fantasies about something that could happen in the future.  Being present is inherently empowering.  Your attention is focused where it ought to be - on the things you can affect.
• If you have a different perspective, be honest, but begin your feedback with "I hear you, and..."  All relationship require negotiation.  It's OK to agree to disagree.  Instead of giving in or trying to get your way, stating what you want alongside what you think the other wants creates a cooperative mindset.  This allows for more creative, mutually beneficial solutions to emerge.
• Take time to check in during an argument.  "Can we talk...?" is a way to step back from an intense interaction while it's still happening.  Once tempers cool down, when you can continue on with a dialogue instead of a shouting match.
• Openly share your appreciation of your partner.  When we appreciate each other as adults, we help each other heal from childhood wounds, which are often the primary cause of conflict to begin with.

Communication with one another is a powerful tool - it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.

 

Criticism and Complaints: Dealing with a Perfectionist

Perfectionism is considered sort of a virtue in our society. Perfectionists do a great job with the things they choose to focus on.  Every detail is considered, to a fault.  The unfortunate down-side to this is that perfectionists often are tortured by feelings of dread and relief in their efforts to reach this ideal.  And it often doesn't stop with them, as they want to expand their control to others around them - partners, children, co-workers.

As a partner, the controlling perfectionistic presents well - meticulously dressed, conscientious, hard-working and considerate. But before long they begin commenting on your actions - that things aren't clean enough, that you chew too loudly, that you don't do things their way. It may seem that they can always find the 1% that's wrong and ignore the 99% that's good. In spite of all of your best efforts, they seem impossible to please.

Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you're always striving for some kind of magical fantasy ideal that no one can live up to.

In the book Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses and Other Incredibly Critical People by Neil J Lavender and Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD's they describe how to effectively deal with a controlling perfectionist so that they don't bring you down. 

Be patient. Perfectionists can seem neurotic to non-perfectionists. Sometimes you might even feel like you're being harassed, and a disagreement over a tiny detail can easily explode into an argument. Learn how to walk away when you feel angry and say "Let's talk about this later. I need to cool off." It also helps to avoid taking things personally.

Be Assertive.  When your feelings run high in a conflict situation simply state how you feel.  You don't have to explain why, but it's important to let the other person know that you feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, belittled, humiliated... when they speak like that to you.  Stick to your guns and don't back down.  Then examine how you feel afterward.  The next time you're tossing and turning in bed thinking of what you should have said, think of an assertive statement you can use next time.

Don't Argue Facts.  Even if you know the other person is wrong.  Your energy will be better spent expressing your views, opinions and feelings.  Debating facts may only antagonize your partner. 

Cultivate compassion. Many perfectionists struggle with fear of failure and criticism.  Remind the perfectionist that perfectionism is a choice, one that you have not chosen for yourself. It's important to explain to the perfectionist that having things "perfect" makes them happy, but it doesn't make you happy, and doesn't serve any constructive purpose in your life. This may be hard for the perfectionist to understand, especially if they are in a position of authority and believe that they know what's best for you.

Agree to maintain a certain standard. It doesn't have to be what they define as perfect, but it helps if you're willing to compromise by stepping closer in that direction than you normally would.

Perhaps after reading this you're wondering if you're the perfectionist in the relationship.  Take this Quiz to find out.  If the answer is "Yes", you can take these steps to overcome it:

• Cultivate mindfulness by asking yourself if your disappointment over an outcome is actually rooted in your perfectionism
• Practice accepting imperfection—in yourself and in your partners
• Acknowledge effort—on your part and on the part of your partners
• Invite feedback. If the prospect of criticism terrifies you, ask your partner to give you constructive feedback regularly so you can get used to hearing it without feeling judged

Remember, the way to partner with a soul mate is not to arrive as the perfect match for each other, but to become this over time. The key is how you will shape each other as your life together unfolds. Mutual growth towards this end requires each partner to express a full range of emotions, including feelings associated with a sense of personal vulnerability.
For more reading, check out A Personal Guide to Coping with Perfectionism.

  

Criticism and Complaints: Unmet Needs

Behind every criticism and complaint is an unmet need. What you could ask yourself is “What need might I have that’s not being met?” Then you can reframe the complaint to expressing a need. Giving yourself permission to express your needs helps validate them. Often, if we can see that our need is being heard, our pain is less acute. With luck, your partner will understand your sincerity and pain, and you can work through the issue(s) by:

• Talking about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want
• Avoiding phrases such as "You always" and "You never".
• Having your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.
• Brainstorming and discussing solutions to the problem
• Agreeing to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going. 

But what if your honesty and vulnerability aren't met with openness, and a shared desire to move forward constructively?  This is a clear indication that you have some work to do.  If your partner is open, you can begin this process together with the aid of self help books, or seek the unbiased help of a couples counselor. If your partner is unwilling to do either, it's likely a sign that you're in a dead-end "toxic" relationship.
 

Toxic doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship.  Sometimes it's hard to know whether you are in good, mutually supportive relationships with your partner, friends and family. There are several signs to look for:

It’s all about the other person.  You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

You feel tired, drained or exhausted being around this person.  Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though your partner is always raising complaints about you, or is filled with general negativity.

You're always wrong.  The other person constantly puts you down or insists that they're right. Toxic partners are controlling and demeaning. They gain their power from taking away yours.  They tend to "keep score" and blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship.  If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into “the relationship scorecard” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.  If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

You’re not allowed to grow and change.  Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

You lack trust.  You find yourself constantly doubting your partners words, and don't feel comfortable making yourself vulnerable by expressing your true thoughts and feelings.
 
You or your partner drop “hints” and other passive-aggression.  Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, you try to influence each other. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.  A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it. 

You don't feel heard. When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, does your partner listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If they refuse to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, then you need to ask yourself, “What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?”

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.  Be honest with yourself. If both parties are not fully committed to actively working on changes such as mutual respect, open communication, and positive regard, then start walking and don't look back. 

It may also be helpful to look at what you can be responsible for. The way other people treat you can be a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. What can you do to start taking care of yourself? 

There are other great questions to ask yourself:

• Are your thoughts, opinions, and aspirations important, valued, and supported by the other?
• Have you been questioning yourself and doubting your decisions despite believing you're right?

In the book How to Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richio, he emphasizes the art of mindful loving.  Especially in conflict, it's important to protect yourself, and your internal spirit.  Here are some tips:  

• Don't allow yourself to get weighed down by the conflict, or let the other person belittle you. 
• Ask for what you want 100% of the time.  Say yes to yourself twice as often as you say no, but be willing to compromise.
• Choose reconciliation over ongoing feuding.  Never retaliate or use violence.
• Confront or turn away from those who bring you down, put you down, or try to control you.
• Express your creativity - begin a project you have only imagined.
• Cultivate a sense of humor.  Learn to play and to see the humor in daily events.
• Be bold in your decisions.
• Spend more time in nature.
• Dance, write, draw or sing your feelings.