Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 3

Step 3 - Stay positive. Fear can come from creating negative (or even catastrophic) scenarios about the future in your mind.  We often create so much negativity around something that it's important to step back and ask ourselves a few questions - What are my negative beliefs about this change?  How many times have I successfully navigated change in the past? What worked in how I handled the change?

Be curious, rather than being scared. Be curious about what a change would mean. And focus on the facts, instead of the worst-case scenarios you are congering in your head.  So often we worry more about getting rid of fear of change than learning how to live with it and move on.  Just accept that you can't control the external events in your life and embrace what you can control – your attitude.

Another way to stay positive is to reduce your stress. Meditation and spending time outdoors are great for that.  Doing either, our better yet both, will make you feel more calm, relaxed, and peaceful.

Remember that change is an opportunity. Have faith in yourself and your ability to be resilient.

 

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 2

Step 2 - Acknowledge your fears. It may seem obvious, but acceptance of your own vulnerability is necessary to move through fear.  You need to learn how to use fear, instead of having fear use and control you.  Part of this acceptance is clarifying a few important facts in your own mind -

Accept that you’ll never have all the information
We often avoid making important decisions because we want more information before we make a tough call.  Research is important, but don't let it become a stalling tactic.  Make the best decision you can at the time and continue to move forward.

Trust yourself
We make all sorts of excuses for not making important changes, but the limiting belief that often underlies many of them is that we don’t trust ourselves.  We’re worried that the uncharted territory of the future will be too much for us to handle.  Think about it - you've dealt with unexpected change before.  And in the end, it probably all worked out fine.  Have faith that you can handle it again.

Anticipate the worst that could happen
I'm not suggesting that you dwell on it, but have a backup plan just-in-case.  Don't be caught like a deer in the headlights, be a Lara Croft or a MacGyver and troubleshoot your way through anything.  When you actually sit down and think about the worst case scenario, you’ll realize that there are actually very few risks that you can’t recover from.  Once you realize the worst isn’t that bad, you’ll be ready to crush it.

Accept your feelings and seek support
When you’re going through a transition, it is natural to feel uncomfortable.  Expect and accept your feelings and reach out to others to share your experiences, reactions, and emotions. Talking with your partner or your friends will make you feel better and remind you that you’re not alone.

Try this exercise: When you fear change, write down your fears on paper so you have them in an objective form and can stop dwelling on them. Then go through each one and jot down what you would do in the event that fear came to pass. Knowing you have a backup plan can be a key to navigating past the fear.

What is familiar is comfortable. Even though the familiar might be worse than the unfamiliar, we still tend to hold on to it, because going into the unknown is uncomfortable. Having the courage to go into the unfamiliar can be tough, but not impossible. It requires a shift in perspective. Become curious. Become an explorer of life. This is an adventure.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” – Raymond Lindquist

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 1

Navigating the twists and turns of life requires changes - changes in where you live, new relationships, life-stage transitions, changes in behavior, changes in attitude and many other modifications that typically bring some level of stress. How many times have you found yourself dreading any change - whether major or minute - because the uncertainty ahead was nearly too much to bear?

And how many times have you gone forward despite that uncertainty and realized your dread was worse than the actual change? Realizing that change is often necessary, and totally manageable, is the key to overcoming the fear of it.

One trick to overcoming this fear is to practice breaking out of your standard routine. The more routines you have in your life, the harder it is to embrace life-enhancing changes. Routine can be good, but it can also be energy-zapping and provide a false sense that the norm is what's best.  This may not be the case.  Even athletes know it's best to mix up their routine if that want to get stronger because otherwise your muscles begin to get lazy.  Change will actually help you grow, as it often does in your emotional life as well.

Step 1 - Acknowledge the change. Recognizing and accepting change will be the first steps toward managing it.  Then, make a conscious effort.  It sounds simple, but one of the of the big reasons we don’t make change is because we don’t try. And we don’t try because then it’s easy to make excuses for why we don’t get what we want.  Face reality and be honest with yourself.

Here are some ideas to help keep the fear of change at bay by limiting the routines you perform in life. Use them to stimulate your own ideas:

• Eat lunch at different times each day, and where you eat lunch. Can you vary the routes you take to and from the workplace?
• Try a different cuisine every week. It's fun, and tasty!
• Visit somewhere new every month. This could be a new restaurant, museum, theatre, park, country, whatever!
• Break the TV routine - do something new at least a few nights a week.  Read a book, take a class, go to the gym, work on something artistic, anything!

Take it slow by making small adjustments to make life less of a routine and to slowly get the mind to accept changes when they come.  It’s so important to demonstrate to the subconscious that you are in control and that you will not let fear of change control you.

The bottom line is, change isn’t going anywhere—so you’ll need to learn how to overcome your fear of it.  Change is life, so embrace it, and grow.

Moving On

All relationships end  - some with separation, some with divorce, some with death.  This means that in entering a relationship we implicitly accept that the other will leave us, or that we will leave them.  Grief is a normal and healthy part of this ending.  At the end of a relationship and afterward, we remember the grief we felt during the relationship and not only that we're feeling at the end.  So ironically, the worse a relationship was, the more we will grieve.  Often too, we're grieving for more than this ending, but the many others that are stacked inside us waiting for their chance to be cried out.

Grief hurts, but don't avoid it by partying or jumping right into another relationship.  Grief gives us impetus for growth and helps to ensure that we won't make the same mistakes twice.  Therapy is crucial during this time - it can assist us in addressing, processing, and resolving issues.  Since we're never mourning only the current issue, therapy will also help us work on buried issues from the past.  If you've been left, it's normal to have doubts about your will to live and your lovability, or even to want revenge.  And it's normal to talk to anyone who will listen.

Grief can't be willed away.  Don't attempt to let it go, but rather let it happen.  Allow it - yourself - to take all the time needed, regardless of friends who tell you to "get over it."  The scars left by brief can be ugly for years or can heal reasonably well.  The outcome depends on how well we work through the process.

It can be incredibly helpful to write letters.  These letters should never be sent, but are therapeutic through the process.  This is especially sage advice if you have the nagging need to tell your partner "one last thing" or give them "one bit of advice" which is often just a way to manipulate them to whatever response you desire.

"We become whole through relationships and through letting go of relationships."  - Sigmund Freud

 

To Stay, or Not to Stay... That is the Question

So that any friends or family reading this don't worry unnecessarily - and I hope that you don't - everything is fine in our relationship.  All of this is an effort to distill what I've learned and effectively communicate it to others.  My life path is one of growth and knowledge.  Effectively communicating and working through the roadblocks takes work.  Work that I'm happy to do because I know I have a wonderful partner.  One who speaks to my soul.  But, people are complicated, and no one is perfect.

Perhaps, you've hit a relationship roadblock.  You've tried to ignore it, then you decided to face up and talk about it.  And you've been talking about it... for weeks, months, years.  And things still haven't changed for the better.  How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

If you feel like somebody doesn’t care about you, and you feel this consistently, they probably don’t.  If you've both tried hard to change, and have taken the next steps of working with a therapist but are still unhappy, then maybe the relationship honestly can't work. 

How do you break off a toxic relationship?
When calling off a relationship, it’s important to be direct.  Ask your partner flat out where they see the relationship going.  If what they want and what you want are two different things, then you need to acknowledge this. Then you need to get support of friends, family, or a therapist during the breakup.  Allow them to help you grieve, and heal.  Talk about your experience and learn from it. Mindfully acknowledge the emotional experience of being in a toxic relationship and breaking free of it. Breathe, journal your feelings, and meditate. Reestablish your self esteem and worth as a unique person. Appreciate your strengths, and develop your interests. You deserve to feel good again.

What about the “I can change” plea?
If somebody has done something to you and you find that you can forgive them, then give them a second chance.  But if they continue to do it repeatedly, and you've confronted them with that reality, then it's time to leave.

Embrace Change. 
Change is your opportunity to create the life you want. What part of yourself has been neglected? Perhaps there is a trip you want to take, a subject you want to study, or a sport, hobby, language, or instrument you want to learn. Now is the time to love and honor yourself. Stay true to your interests and talents. Acknowledge and appreciate what makes you a valuable and unique person. Use that information to rebuild your sense of worth.

What are some good signs that you should stay?
Sometimes you just need to go with your gut.  Does the person share many common interests? Do they make you laugh?  Do you have a soul connection?  These are all reasons to work hard to overcome the hurdles before taking the easy way out.  Sometimes, the things that aren't working are dysfunctions in you and will simply be repeated with your next partner.
 

If we can successfully move past the conflict, and grow  both independently, and with our partner in the process, then love can expand to every facet of our life.  Success in the relationship can bring us such a deep level of security that it makes everything feel possible.  All obstacles in our life become bridges.  We may still have arguments, but they don't last long, they end in resolution, and they involve less replay of the past.  We take the content of the argument as information instead of criticism.  Instead of demanding that our expectations be met, we seek agreements.  We can now accept our partner as perfect, but in the way that an old shirt is perfect.

The psychological problems we have in relationships are the shadow of our spiritual journey.  Once we can come to peace with our partner, this peace radiates through our core.  We begin to realize that we can be angry with our partner and still love them, and they can do the same for us.  How liberating!  We're able to sustain love with other feelings.  It means that we or our partner can be weak or unavailable at times, and the other will still love us.  It's this openness and lack of judgment that fosters true commitment.  This is what helps us grow.

"Once we can accept that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, we can live wonderfully side by side.  As long as we succeed in loving the distance between one another, each of us can see each other as whole against the sky."   - Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Relationships: Should You Lower Your Expectations?

So maybe you have changed, and your good example still isn't rubbing off onto your partner.  Is it time to lower your expectations?

Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.  Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.

If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, they often have clear suggestion of what their partner could or should do to make things better. Most people really don’t want a new partner, they want is their existing partner – with changes.  When you're with someone in a committed partnership, you typically spend so much time together that all the little idiosyncrasies and flaws stand out.  These can be negative traits that we've inherited from our parents, and maybe things we should change.  Think of it like this - if you were at a party and had a piece of spinach in your teeth, wouldn't you want your partner to tell you?  Of course!

Same Partner, With Changes.  
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.

This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.

Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are. 

Changing Your Partner.

First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from?  Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support.  But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
 

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."  - Epicurus

Relationships: Should YOU Change?

Two key failure points in relationships are when:

1.  One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2.  When the others behavior is upsetting them

Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment.  Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally.  A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness. 

Change YOUR Behavior.  You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over.  Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits.  The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.

You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.

Model Mastery.  While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them.  For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything!  Excerpted from PBS.org article

Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation.  When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.

Just Do It!  There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it?  Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.

In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success.  Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again.  Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com

If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:

1.  Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2.  Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
3.  Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4.  Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5.  Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

But what if you relapse.  Then what?  How do you get back on track?

• Evaluate trigger for relapse
• Reassess motivation and barriers
• Plan stronger coping strategies
• Make new realistic specific goals
• And most of all, stay positive!

 

You now know a secret that few fully appreciate — that there’s more to creating change than meets the eye, more than those who like to invoke the “just do it” imperative may care to admit.  So, start where you are, take the steps forward that are appropriate for you now, and then just keep on going.