Honey, We Have a Problem

How should you tell your partner, "We have a problem"?

Opening up this conversation can be extremely challenging.  As someone who initiated the conversation, and eventual separation with my ex-husband, I can personally attest to this.  For years, I was too ashamed to even confess my unhappiness to my closest friends because everyone thought we had the perfect relationship.  Not fighting does not equal compatibility or satisfaction, it can sometimes be a sign of lack of communication, as it was in our case.  Sometimes we can let hurts and resentments build up for months or years because we're afraid to rock the boat and deal with the conflict. 

And sometimes, when we finally do confess our true feelings, a fight ensues and it wrecks what could have been a peaceful evening at home. And after the fight is over, the problem usually remains unsolved. So, how should you introduce a problem to your partner in a way that doesn't lead to a fight?

First, this is what you should NOT do:

DO NOT make a demand. Don't force your partner to do what you want without consideration for how they will feel doing it.  Instead of helping to solve a problem, it creates a new problem - resentment. A thoughtful request, on the other hand, is a good way to ask your partner for help, because it takes their feelings into account. "How would you feel if you were to do this for me," introduces the problem with a willingness to negotiate a win-win solution.

DO NOT blame. Instead of blaming your partner for the problem, express that you have a problem, and ask for your partners help in solving it.

DO NOT raise your voice. This is the best way to get your partner on the defensive and ensure that they do not cooperate with you. Remember that it takes two to fight.  If your partner respond to your request or comments in anger, simply end the discussion and talk about it later.

Then, this is what you SHOULD do:

DO state your feelings or complaints as clearly as possible.  Avoid demands, disrespect or anger. Be honest, and make this about you, not them.

DO ask for your partner's perspective. How do they view this same situation and what might make it difficult for them to accommodate you?

DO brainstorm possible solutions together.  Look for solutions that take both of your feelings and desires into account. Avoid any solution where one of you gains at the other's expense. Don't give or expect sacrifice because that means that one of you will be losing. If you sacrifice for each other, in the end you won't have the mutual love for each other that you want. But also recognize the importance of eventually finding a solution that solves the problem.

Lastly, remember that it's best to deal with problems when they arise and not let them build. The better you become at stating your complaints with your partner's feelings in mind, and finding mutually agreeable solutions, the more you'll feel like dealing to each problem immediately.  Good communication is the key to a lasting and loving relationship.
  

Dealing with Change in Your Relationship

It’s a myth that people or relationships don’t change.  In fact, it’s inevitable.  Relationships go through different developmental stages and situations, such as job loss, health problems, financial issues and family conflict.  So, it’s natural for changes to occur.  This is a very good thing.  Without change, our relationships can become dull and routine, and can open the door to infidelity and death of the relationship entirely.  If we want to keep growing as individuals, it's imperative that our closest relationships grow too, or we'll grow apart from those we love most.  This is not to say that we need to become a clone of our partner, but that we need to work together to feed the desire for knowledge and spirit of playfulness.  When you add something new, which is what a change really is, you can add romance and passion to your relationship.

Dealing with Small Changes.  Small changes can be anything from your partner taking on a new hobby to being increasingly disorganized. Small changes can become small annoyances, too.  And interestingly, some of these changes aren’t changes at all. Your partner probably has always been a bit on the sloppy side; it’s just that now you’re noticing this habit. You’re simply seeing your partner differently.  It's important to talk about these small issues before they turn into big obstacles. If certain things bother you, bring them up using “I” statements and addressing “them in a positive, [non-defensive] and respectful way.”

Dealing with Big Changes.  At the core, big changes represent a direct contradiction to your own thoughts or values, which is what makes them so difficult to swallow. For instance, your spouse might’ve wanted kids before you got married but now has changed his or her mind. Or your partner once held conservative beliefs and now is becoming more liberal. Or your spouse who’s the CEO of a company wants to go back to school to become a teacher.  In these situations, couples need to discuss how much this difference or big change impacts each of you separately and impacts your relationship. This helps to figure out if you’re OK with the change and how you’re going to deal with it.  The result of these discussions will be to reach a compromise, to just accept the change, or not to.  If you’re stuck, take some time to self-reflect. Often we’re so adamant about a certain point of view, but we aren’t really sure why. Exploring what an issue means to you is important.  If you still can't move forward, then it might be time to visit a therapist.  Excerpted from Psychcentral


Of course, this is a drastic simplification.  I'll discuss some of the other variables to consider in my next posts.
 

Dealing with Change at Work

Many of us desperately crave change at work, and yet we’re uncomfortable and terrified when it occurs. But change is inevitable (and necessary for businesses to survive and thrive), so you’ll need to learn how to overcome those fears.

“There are many people who fear change at work for a variety of reasons,” says Michael Kerr, an international business speaker, author and president of Humor at Work. “Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking stupid and fear of the unknown.”

Most employees respond to internal changes in their work environment with nervousness and resistance because change for most people “raises questions about contribution, and they associate it with negativity,” says Sara Menke, the founder and chief executive of Premier, a boutique staffing firm in San Francisco.  “They think, What am I doing wrong to make my employer think that things should change?”  Excerpted from Forbes

It’s perfectly normal and healthy to be a bit fearful, confused or unsettled by workplace changes at first. The unhealthy part occurs with inappropriate or unhelpful responses. Fighting change or presenting a negative attitude will not help you transition through the process. The intelligent and mature strategy is to look for avenues to adjust to the change and thrive in the new environment.

It's also helpful to talk with colleagues, your partner, or your friend.  This will not only make you feel better, but remind you that you’re not alone. And designate “worry time.” Worrying interferes with your productivity and overall mood, so don’t let it spill over into every part of your work day. If you’re worried about the changes, designate a time each day when you’re going to focus on those fears - preferably outside of the work day. But also use that time to overcome those fears.

Change is hard - hard enough when it's self-imposed, but much more nerve-wracking when it's brought on from where you earn your livelihood. By applying these insights, you really can navigate change gracefully and use it to your advantage.

How To Change Your Life: Step 5

Step 5 - Enjoy the change. If you don’t do this, you might as well give it up. If the daily action feels tedious and chore-like, then you're doing it wrong. You've got to find a way to enjoy the change, or you won’t stick to it and make it a permanent habit. Habits can't be changed changed overnight - remember, it takes 30 days to 3 months to establish a new habit. Check out this TED talk to hear more.

It can be quite a process to change the way you have done things your entire life. Don’t give up and don’t get down on yourself if you aren’t always able to follow through. Consider each relapse a chance to learn what to do more effectively next time. Trust that change will happen when you really want it to.  You may doubt yourself when it comes to following to your heart, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. The sooner you embrace an attitude of curiosity, the sooner you will start trusting yourself. So what if you make mistakes or relapse? Who cares?

Make a commitment to yourself and really find that motivation to make change a priority. Stick with it, and keep working to recondition behaviors. Notice what’s working and what’s not working. When it is not working, change your approach. Keep changing until you finally achieve what you are committed to.

What daily change will you make today?

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” – Benjamin Spock

How To Change Your Life: Step 4

Step 4 - Have consequences.  One of the best motivators for following through on your new daily habits is to have consequences.  These need to be determined by you, and be something significant enough to be a real motivator.  Maybe it's giving up something you really love (a series episode or a favorite food), donating to a cause you hate (opposing political candidate), or creating some sort of humiliation (singing karaoke to a crowd or dressing like a freak for a day).  Think of it as a type of "grounding" you had when you were a kid.  Remember, those tactics worked!
  The consequences can also be positive — a big reward each week if you don’t miss a day. Make the consequences bigger if you miss two straight days, and huge if you miss three.

"Nothing is worth doing unless the consequences may be serious." - George Bernard Shaw

Effective consequences need to be proactively built into the contract, and it's best to put them in writing. Post them. Review them and give general reminders when you sense that a little prevention could be valuable. 

Having consequences is also a great strategy in wise decision making. Remember that every single decision you have ever made, or will ever make, has consequences. Once you learn to evaluate your decisions based on consequences, all the other considerations fall neatly into place. All you need to do is think before you decide. Regardless of your past decision making abilities, you can quickly become a wise decision maker. This simple practice will help you avoid untold pain and regret.

What daily change will you make today?

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."  - P. J. O'Rourke

How To Change Your Life: Step 3

"And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been."   - Rainer Maria Rilke

Step 3 - Be accountable. How you do it don’t matter - you can post to Facebook or Twitter, email someone, mark it on a calendar, report in person - just make sure you’re accountable each and every day, not each month. If you get public with it, and know eyes are on you, you'll be more likely to stick with the change.  Having another person out there that is expecting you to be updating them on your success can make all the difference in how you plan to tackle those goals.

When we're accountable to someone else for doing what we've said we would do, we get stuff done.  When we tell our boss we are going to get that proposal done by the end of the week, we do it.  When we tell a client that we’ll write that report, we deliver.  When we promise our kids we’ll throw them a birthday party, we keep our word. However, when we tell ourselves – and no one else – that we’ll ask for that raise, quit smoking, or start exercising, we are less likely to do it. It can be as simple as asking a friend, a colleague, a spouse to help you.  Make sure you're specific in telling them - what you've committed to and what you'd like them to do if you don't follow through.

Accountability cultivates integrity and responsibility. It makes you face the truth and helps you to make the necessary changes in your life, and helps to make those changes more sustainable.

Another great way to make yourself accountable is to team up with someone with similar goals. Mutual accountability is extraordinarily effective, as demonstrated by groups like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous. Another method is to use a website like StickK which helps you share your goals.  You can also put money on the line and designate the recipient of the money if you don't achieve your goal - it could be a friend, a charity you like, or even more motivating, a charity you hate.

What daily change will you make today?

"If I could give one tip for people - it's not an exercise or nutrition regimen. It's to walk your talk and believe in yourself, because at the end of the day, the dumbbell and diet don't get you in shape. It's your accountability to your word."   - Brett Hoebel

One In, Two Out

sim·plic·i·ty  (noun)

1.  the state, quality, or an instance of being simple.
2.  freedom from complexity or intricacy.
3.  absence of luxury, pretentiousness, ornament, etc.; plainness.
4.  freedom from deceit or guile; sincerity; artlessness.

As you find yourself putting away those new Christmas acquisitions, consider what you already have.  If you're reading this blog, then you likely have more than you need.  Start the new year on a new, simpler trajectory with the One In, Two Out Rule.  Whenever you bring a new item in, you have to get rid of two others - preferably by gifting or donation, not in the landfill.  Make one of your new year's resolutions that of simplicity.

Simplicity isn't about martyrdom, or being boring.  Simplicity is all about finding the greatest value in our lives and then staying right there in that sweet spot. When we hit that sweet spot we need to really believe that any more would be excess and may even reduce the value in our lives.  This creates more space and awareness for what really matters in our lives - shelter, food, friends.  The second we lose sight of our basic needs is the second we lose the ability to embrace simplicity and enjoy our satisfaction with just enough.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”   - Leonardo da Vinci

 

 
Minimalism as a lifestyle looks different for everyone, but we can all experiment with minimalism similarly. Boundaries and challenges allow us to test the waters and find the sweet spot.  That sweet spot will change depending on who you are, where you live, who lives with you and what is most important to you.

Here are some tips to help you simplify:

1.  Ask yourself, could you be just as happy without this thing? You have to determine if this thing in your life is adding to your happiness/satisfaction.  If it isn’t, get rid of it right now!
2.  Determine the actual part of this thing that positively affects you. This will need to be revaluated every so often as the flow from a want to a need can be a slippery slope.

So, let's talk a bit more about the difference between a want and a need.  The difference is pretty simple, in theory.

Need - something you have to have
Want - something you would like to have

Everything that goes beyond this – a big house, name-brand clothes, fancy foods, a new car – is a want. But, we are marketed to constantly with the message that these things are really needs.  Take control of your mind and stop (literally) buying into corporate brainwashing.
Simplicity is not a destination, simplicity is about choice.  Making your own choices based on what is truly satisfying, and not simply believing what you're told.  Savor Simplicity by choosing to:

• Consume less, and don't think of items as disposable.  Remember that just because something goes in the trash doesn't mean it ever really goes away.
• Don't spend more than you earn.  Debt is the antithesis of living a life of simplicity.
• Wake up 10 minutes early and spend the beginning of your day stretching, or being quiet instead of rushing to get out the door.
• Take a digital sabbatical instead of being overwhelmed with information.
• Take charge of your worry instead of letting anxiety take over your day.
• Be unproductive instead of killing yourself to get it all done.
• Eat food that makes your body feel good instead of feeding your feelings with food that wears you down.
• Celebrate your progress instead of beating yourself up for what you haven’t achieved.
• Be grateful for who you are now, instead of guilty for who you were then.
• Measure yourself by the person you are, not the things that you get done.
• Meet up with friends instead of feeling lonely.
• Choose solitude instead of trying to navigate through the noise.
• Go outside and appreciate nature instead of cleaning your house.
• Support good people doing great things instead of complaining about bad people doing bad things.
• Dress with less, buy second-hand, or learn how to sew instead of buying lots of cheap fast-fashion.
• Give more and take less.

A clutter free home and debt free lifestyle do not necessarily result in simplicity. But both of those things are really helpful in clearing your mind and giving you more freedom to live life on purpose.  Excerpted from BeMoreWithLess.com

“It is not a daily increase, but a daily decrease. Hack away

at the inessentials.”   - Bruce Lee