Spreading the Spirit of Gratitude This Season

Gift-giving is a strong tradition in many cultures all over the world, but some gifts are best received from the inside-out; from a place where love and appreciation begins. Move through this season of thanks and giving with awareness, and not just going through the motions.  The best gifts aren't bought from a store, they come through spending quality time with the people you care about, or from gifts that come from the heart

Here are a few gifts of gratitude your friends and family will love:

Donate in Someone’s Name.  The perfect gift for the person who has everything: something for someone in need. Make a donation in a family member’s name this year, choosing a charity you think they would be passionate about. Maybe even suggest making charitable donations a new tradition.

Give the Gift of Time.  This can be as simple as an IOU for a task that you know needs doing.  

Make a homemade card or gift.  Taking the extra time to give something that's not "off the shelf" makes whatever you give so much more special.  Because these gifts can be quite cost effective, be extra generous and bestow your goodies on your hair stylist, babysitter, and landlord too.

Shop Local.  If making homemade gifts is too intimidating, bless local business owners.

Host a Party and Ask People to Pay “Cover”.  Time celebrating with family, friends and neighbors is what creates the best memories, and strengthens relationships. If you host a party, ask guests to bring cash for charity, or canned goods for the local food bank, as their “cover” for the night.
 

Volunteer.  Make volunteering a holiday tradition. Get some friends together and spend time with seniors, or in a local soup kitchen. If you have kids, get them involved, too. If you buy toys for a toy drive, bring them to the drop-off zone to help them understand the importance, and rewards, of generosity.  Excerpted from eHarmony

And for yourself, be thankful for those things that you may normally take for granted (and that some people are unable to experience) — the ability to breathe, to walk, to eat, to speak, to grow, to connect, to love, to live.

As the new year begins, remember to take the time to recognize and express your gratitude for important people in your life.  Whether it be in person or with a thank you note. 

Gratitude is a glue that binds people together. To give it is to receive it because to receive it you must first give it. This is a beautiful circle. When your friends and family engage with you in this flow of thanks, you’ll never again be alone and wanting for help.
 

“You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.”    - G. K. Chesterton

 

A Thankful State of Being

When we are in the state of thankfulness, we are in a higher state of awareness.

Often when we practice being thankful, we go through the process of counting our blessings, acknowledging the wonderful people, things and places that make up our reality. While it is fine to be grateful for the good fortune we have accumulated, true thankfulness stems from a powerful comprehension of the gift of simply being alive, and when we feel it, we feel it regardless of our circumstances. In this deep state of gratitude, we recognize the purity of the experience of being, in and of itself, and our thankfulness is part and parcel of our awareness that we are one with this great mystery that is life.

It is difficult for most of us to access this level of consciousness as we are very caught up in the ups and downs of our individual experiences in the world. The thing to remember about the world, though, is that it ebbs and flows, expands and contracts, gives and takes, and is by its very nature somewhat unreliable. If we only feel gratitude when it serves our desires, this is not true thankfulness. No one is exempt from the twists and turns of fate, which may, at any time, take the possessions, situations, and people we love away from us. Ironically, it is sometimes this kind of loss that awakens us to a thankfulness that goes deeper than just being grateful when things go our way. Illness and near-miss accidents can also serve as wake-up calls to the deeper realization that we are truly lucky to be alive.

We do not have to wait to be shaken to experience this state of being truly thankful for our lives. Tuning in to our breath and making an effort to be fully present for a set period of time each day can do wonders for our ability to connect with true gratitude. We can also awaken ourselves with the intention to be more aware of the unconditional generosity of the life force that flows through us regardless of our circumstances.   Excerpted from the Daily Om  http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2010/26207.html

Gratitude isn’t something that we feel; it’s a something that I AM state of being. We can be disappointed that our desired outcome was elusive, or we can be grateful that we got the chance to try and learned some valuable lessons along the way. We can be angry that someone we trusted lied to us ,or we can be grateful that it didn't go on longer than it had to. We can be resentful of a lot of things and people that test our limits every day, or we can be grateful that they teach us more about ourselves. If you need another reason to give thanks at the dinner table on Thursday, how’s this: people who maintain an “attitude of gratitude” tend to be happier and healthier than those who don’t, according to a lengthy and instructive article in the Wall Street Journal.

The WSJ‘s Melinda Beck reports that adults who feel grateful have “more energy, more optimism, more social connections and more happiness than those who do not, according to studies conducted over the past decade. They’re also less likely to be depressed, envious, greedy or alcoholics.”

What the bulk of the research suggests is that gratitude should be chronic in order to make a lasting difference in well-being. Dr. Robert Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, and a pioneer in gratitude research, told the WSJ that in order to reap all of its benefits, feeling gratitude must be ingrained into your personality, and you must frequently acknowledge and be thankful for the role other people play in your happiness: “The key is not to leave it on the Thanksgiving table,” he said.

This is a perfect time of year to teach our children about being thankful. The Thanksgiving holiday will be quickly followed by Christmas. Both holidays bring many opportunities to create new family traditions that will bring the real meaning of thankfulness and gratitude to a personal level for our children.

Helping our children recognize and show appreciation for things they have learned to take for granted can take some time. Kids are never too young to start learning how to see and show thanks for the good things in their lives. Although Thanksgiving, by its name alone, makes us think about giving thanks we should teach our children - by example - that being thankful and telling others how much they are appreciated should happen every day.

Even in the midst of extremely challenging circumstances, we can find something to be thankful for. In addition to helping us cope with challenges, this kind of grateful attitude can be contagious and is a wonderful life lesson to share with our children. Learning to be truly grateful can change your life. 

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was “Thank you”, that would suffice."  - Meister Eckhart

Growing Your Community

As I mentioned, a community can start with just one, and build one person at a time. 

 

One of the big tricks in our present world is to get people off of their devices to begin engaging with people, strangers, face to face.  One of the simplest ways to do this to engage people when they already inclined to open themselves up - over the holidays.  Then, use some creativity to make a welcoming environment where people can connect.  Doing this one-on-one can be intimidating, but once the group starts to build, a group environment dramatically lessens peoples fears. 

 

Another interesting tactic is to make your community more closed.  Allow each member of the community to invite 1 person per month.  If every member did this, the community would grow by 100% every month.  The exclusivity and being allowed to invite just 1 friend/colleague per month may encourage people to actually to find someone they really want in the community, and who they believe to be a good fit. 

Communities are like gardens, which can whither away by applying too much pressure and the wrong amount of water. Finding the balance for your unique community will take some trial and error.  But what creates an environment where people are motivated to build and grow the community together?

 

Articulate your vision.  Having a strong vision and really understanding your community will help create the forum where people are motivated to contribute.

 

Select your Community Manager. While it's the job of everyone to make sure the community works, there absolutely needs to be someone responsible for its health. Key attributes of this person is that they need to show up, be inspiring, know how to delegate, listen to and use feedback, and be a team player.

 

Make people feel invested in success.  Focus on the importance of starting small and involving the community in the process of building it. Too often, communities are launched with much fanfare and excitement, without asking members what they need. Invite your members to build the community with you early on. If you have a critical mass of people, content and conversations already in the community, you will show, not tell, new members what they can do. This will give them further motivation to participate. And the more that your members are involved, the more likely they are to educate others and entice them to participate.

 

Increase awareness of community. Can you partner with other like-minded groups?  Do you celebrate your success as a group?  Do you have ongoing ways for members to participate?  These are all important for helping your community to thrive.

 

Always think about building and growing.  Be sure you are constantly welcoming, encouraging and educating new members. The community manager is often the person paying it forward for everyone else, but be sure to allow enough flexibility to function without him/her. Developing community champions -- from the ranks of your early members, and new members who show desire and proclivity to lead -- is the number one job of the community manager. As more and more people join in, it's important to help them find their own why and how. Putting champions in charge of enabling their own groups helps increase motivation and builds the value of each individual contributor.

 

 

 

Building a Strong Community (Part 2)

Here are 5 things you can do right now to improve your chances of building a strong community:

 

1. Actively engage people.  The foundation of a strong, wise, resilient community is people knowing and actively engaging with each other.
2. Start a group.  It could be a neighborhood sports team, a neighborhood association, book club, greenspace project, dinner exchange, neighborhood watch group, etc.  The goal is to bring people together and let the connections blossom organically.
3. Throw a party.  Nothing brings people together, of all ages, like having a good time.  And usually involving food.
4. Clean up the neighborhood.  Again, this could be a greenspace project, graffiti removal, art project, etc.  Simple projects where people of all stripes come together nurture community pride and mutual admiration.
5. Provide opportunities for learning.  Everyone in a community knows something someone else would love to learn, it's just a matter of connecting them.

There are good resources out there for more ideas and suggestions.  One is CommunityMatters. CommunityMatters is an organization that equips cities and towns to strengthen their places and inspire change. They champion the idea that through transparent, collaborative conversations, communities can steer change at home. And they offer tools, resources and expertise.

Any new project may seem daunting from the start, but it just takes one person to spark the change.  People want a strong community.  Build it one person at a time.

 

Building a Strong Community (Part 1)

Thanks in part to the global economic and environmental crises, individuals and agencies throughout the world are rediscovering the power of community. Community is the engine of people powered change. Government is effective, especially in terms of monetary support, but there's no substitute for people identifying with and caring for one another and the place they share.  Strong communities are the key to holding government accountable for protecting the rights of the most vulnerable. Social justice never comes from the top-down. People must be organized to support one another but also to demand that their government provide what the community can't or shouldn't do for itself. There are some things best done by community, some by government, and some that can only be accomplished by working in true partnership.
 

Communities have a unique role to play when it comes to much of what we most value – our environment, safety, welfare, health and happiness. Moreover, communities possess the local knowledge, passion, creativity, sustainability and holistic perspective that are often lacking in bureaucracies.

When we focus on people's needs, they become clients in a service system. When we focus on their strengths, they become citizens of a community. Everyone has both needs and strengths and everyone requires services as well as community, but we tend to divide our society into two camps – those with needs and those with strengths. When we fail to utilize everyone's strengths, our communities are less inclusive and powerful and the labeled individuals miss the joy of connection and contribution.  Excerpted from The Guardian

People can, and often will, come together in strong, united communities if they're encouraged and supported to:

• have shared aspirations, values and experiences
• have a strong sense of mutual commitments and obligations, promoting personal and social responsibility
• take part in local and national life and decision-making
• fulfil their potential to get on in life
• challenge extremism and hate crime

What have you done lately to help strengthen your community?


 

Expanding Nature in Your Community

If you're looking for an activity that people of all ages can enjoy, start a community garden.  Rallying support from your neighbors, friends or local organizations is a great way to start a garden in your back yard - so to speak.  From personal health to neighborhood development to environmental impact, the benefits of community gardening are increasingly good and overwhelmingly shared.  Community gardens have helped introduce healthier lifestyles into the homes of young and old for generations - and continue to grow today. 

Community Gardens

• Increase a sense of community ownership and stewardship

• Foster the development of a community identity and spirit

• Bring people together from a wide variety of backgrounds (age, race, culture, social class)

• Build community leaders

• Provide a focal point for community organizing, and can lead to community-based efforts to deal with other social concerns

Begin by bringing people and different organizations together to learn which issues are important to your community.  Discuss how a community garden – whether a communal space or individual plots – could serve the needs of the community.  Develop a plan of action.  Get people energized and organized.

Then, start gardening and implementing your community garden program. Once the project is up and running, let everyone know!  Gain greater community support by welcoming visitors and sharing updates on how the neighborhood is benefiting from the garden’s existence. Over time, revisit the plan and make any needed changes based on lessons learned or feedback from partners and neighbors.  Remember to plan ahead so that the garden will continue to grow for seasons, and generations, to come.

Follow these 10 steps to get yours started now.

Though it may be too soon to call it an urban wildlife movement, initiatives focused on urban greening and biodiversity seem to be catching on. The U.S. Forest Service, which once laughed off the idea that anything urban could be wild now supports a growing urban forest program.  Research has shown that oaks benefit everything from caterpillars to songbirds. Urban ecology and urban wildlife programs are also proliferating on university campuses. And in Baltimore County, officials now stipulate that canopy trees, rather than ornamental trees, must make up 80 percent of any planting on county land, and half of them need to be oaks. In an area where local nurseries hardly ever stocked oaks before, people sometimes balk, until the county’s natural resource manager, Don Outen, explains the logic of it: Research has shown that oaks benefit everything from caterpillars to songbirds. Even fish prosper, because the aquatic invertebrates they feed on favor oak leaves on stream bottoms. At that point, says Outen, the reaction tends to shift to, "Why haven’t we been doing this before?"  Accommodating wildlife in cities doesn’t necessarily require massive investment - you can bring in more birds just by cutting out pavement, or breaking up endless lawns with the right kinds of shrubs. Mowing those lawns a little less often - not weekly but every two or three weeks - will increase the population of native bees and other pollinators. Excerpted from Environment 360
 

 

The role of parks, community gardens, and green open spaces in urban areas is often underestimated, and the potential of these areas to improve both the quality of life of city dwellers and urban sustainability is not always being fully realized.  To make dramatic change, city governments need to get on-board and facilitate the change.  But, even a small group in a local community can do amazing things.

You can learn even more in the book, The Guide to Greening Cities. 

Nature. Community. Home.

Most of the time when people think about nature they think of places untouched by humans. “Nature” is often considered something that exists far away from cities. In reality, the division between nature and city is blurry. There is nature all around the city, even inside our homes.

You can find urban nature by:

Taking an early morning walk. Even in the busiest city you can find more animals in the early morning before the day’s bustle begins. Walk around your neighborhood, or your neighborhood park, as close to sunrise as possible, and see what animals you can spot. You might see bugs, worms, birds, squirrels, raccoons, skunks, rats, and mice. (Animals that many people think of as pests are part of nature too!)

Volunteering for a park invasive species removal. This is a great way to learn about plants in your city. Invasive species can harm native plants and animals.  Help restore the natural ecosystem.

Planting a community garden. A community garden has numerous benefits from community building, to health, to education.  Delicious and nutritious for the mind, body and soul of a community.  I'll expand in more detail on my next post.

Planting trees.  Many city agencies and organizations have initiatives to plant more trees. Having more trees helps reduce the urban heat island effect and promotes the well-being of its inhabitants, both human and animal.

For families, you can also start your own Wild Playgroup. When children connect with nature, they also connect with each other, their families and the community as they learn that they are part of something bigger than themselves. Their sense of identity and character is strengthened. Through experiences in nature, children can become passionate stewards of their special outdoor places. Additionally, adults are more likely to take care of their local environment if they have had time to experience it as a child. Learn more and download a toolkit here.

 

This year is the 50th Anniversary of the signing of the Wilderness Act into law.  The primary author, Howard Zahniser, felt that given enough time, a majority of Americans would come to believe in the deep power of nature and support conservation.  He was sure that the challenge lay not so much in converting avowed opponents of the Wilderness Act, but in enlisting the support of the silent majority.  And he had an unwavering faith in education as the vital tool for getting people to make this step.  "It is a step that is so difficult no because it goes so far but because it must be taken by so many," he said in 1961.  "A whole nation steps forward with purpose in the enactment of such legislation, and it marches only when so many are ready to go that the others must move too."

 

"We have come to realize that we ourselves are creatures of the wild... that in the wilderness we are at home, that in maintaining thus our access to wilderness we are not, as some have thought, escaping from life, but rather are keeping ourselves in touch with our true reality, the fundamental reality of the universe of which we are a part."  - Howard Zahniser

 

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 4

Step 4 - Be flexible. Be flexible and available to take on any new task that might accompany the change.  Approach change with an open attitude of learning.  The more you know, the less you'll fear it.  Become an expert on that "new" thing.  Remember that it's just as much about the process as it is about the result, so enjoy the process.

If you’re on the fence about a big decision, then you might be worried about getting locked into a position that you can’t escape from.  Think about it a different way. New choices rarely limit your options.  In fact, new pursuits often open up even more opportunities. One of the best things about going after important goals with passion is that they open up chances and options that you never could have expected in the beginning.  If you pursue the interesting opportunities that arise along the path to your goal, then you can be sure that you’ll always have choices.  Excerpted from LifeHack.org

If you never start, you'll never get anywhere. You will fail, you will make mistakes, but that’s a part of the journey.  Failure is an inevitable way station on the journey to success.  Being flexible will allow you to wrap around, under, over and through the obstacles in your path.


“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.” – Unknown

 

 

 

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 3

Step 3 - Stay positive. Fear can come from creating negative (or even catastrophic) scenarios about the future in your mind.  We often create so much negativity around something that it's important to step back and ask ourselves a few questions - What are my negative beliefs about this change?  How many times have I successfully navigated change in the past? What worked in how I handled the change?

Be curious, rather than being scared. Be curious about what a change would mean. And focus on the facts, instead of the worst-case scenarios you are congering in your head.  So often we worry more about getting rid of fear of change than learning how to live with it and move on.  Just accept that you can't control the external events in your life and embrace what you can control – your attitude.

Another way to stay positive is to reduce your stress. Meditation and spending time outdoors are great for that.  Doing either, our better yet both, will make you feel more calm, relaxed, and peaceful.

Remember that change is an opportunity. Have faith in yourself and your ability to be resilient.

 

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 2

Step 2 - Acknowledge your fears. It may seem obvious, but acceptance of your own vulnerability is necessary to move through fear.  You need to learn how to use fear, instead of having fear use and control you.  Part of this acceptance is clarifying a few important facts in your own mind -

Accept that you’ll never have all the information
We often avoid making important decisions because we want more information before we make a tough call.  Research is important, but don't let it become a stalling tactic.  Make the best decision you can at the time and continue to move forward.

Trust yourself
We make all sorts of excuses for not making important changes, but the limiting belief that often underlies many of them is that we don’t trust ourselves.  We’re worried that the uncharted territory of the future will be too much for us to handle.  Think about it - you've dealt with unexpected change before.  And in the end, it probably all worked out fine.  Have faith that you can handle it again.

Anticipate the worst that could happen
I'm not suggesting that you dwell on it, but have a backup plan just-in-case.  Don't be caught like a deer in the headlights, be a Lara Croft or a MacGyver and troubleshoot your way through anything.  When you actually sit down and think about the worst case scenario, you’ll realize that there are actually very few risks that you can’t recover from.  Once you realize the worst isn’t that bad, you’ll be ready to crush it.

Accept your feelings and seek support
When you’re going through a transition, it is natural to feel uncomfortable.  Expect and accept your feelings and reach out to others to share your experiences, reactions, and emotions. Talking with your partner or your friends will make you feel better and remind you that you’re not alone.

Try this exercise: When you fear change, write down your fears on paper so you have them in an objective form and can stop dwelling on them. Then go through each one and jot down what you would do in the event that fear came to pass. Knowing you have a backup plan can be a key to navigating past the fear.

What is familiar is comfortable. Even though the familiar might be worse than the unfamiliar, we still tend to hold on to it, because going into the unknown is uncomfortable. Having the courage to go into the unfamiliar can be tough, but not impossible. It requires a shift in perspective. Become curious. Become an explorer of life. This is an adventure.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” – Raymond Lindquist

Overcoming Fear of Change: Step 1

Navigating the twists and turns of life requires changes - changes in where you live, new relationships, life-stage transitions, changes in behavior, changes in attitude and many other modifications that typically bring some level of stress. How many times have you found yourself dreading any change - whether major or minute - because the uncertainty ahead was nearly too much to bear?

And how many times have you gone forward despite that uncertainty and realized your dread was worse than the actual change? Realizing that change is often necessary, and totally manageable, is the key to overcoming the fear of it.

One trick to overcoming this fear is to practice breaking out of your standard routine. The more routines you have in your life, the harder it is to embrace life-enhancing changes. Routine can be good, but it can also be energy-zapping and provide a false sense that the norm is what's best.  This may not be the case.  Even athletes know it's best to mix up their routine if that want to get stronger because otherwise your muscles begin to get lazy.  Change will actually help you grow, as it often does in your emotional life as well.

Step 1 - Acknowledge the change. Recognizing and accepting change will be the first steps toward managing it.  Then, make a conscious effort.  It sounds simple, but one of the of the big reasons we don’t make change is because we don’t try. And we don’t try because then it’s easy to make excuses for why we don’t get what we want.  Face reality and be honest with yourself.

Here are some ideas to help keep the fear of change at bay by limiting the routines you perform in life. Use them to stimulate your own ideas:

• Eat lunch at different times each day, and where you eat lunch. Can you vary the routes you take to and from the workplace?
• Try a different cuisine every week. It's fun, and tasty!
• Visit somewhere new every month. This could be a new restaurant, museum, theatre, park, country, whatever!
• Break the TV routine - do something new at least a few nights a week.  Read a book, take a class, go to the gym, work on something artistic, anything!

Take it slow by making small adjustments to make life less of a routine and to slowly get the mind to accept changes when they come.  It’s so important to demonstrate to the subconscious that you are in control and that you will not let fear of change control you.

The bottom line is, change isn’t going anywhere—so you’ll need to learn how to overcome your fear of it.  Change is life, so embrace it, and grow.

Moving On

All relationships end  - some with separation, some with divorce, some with death.  This means that in entering a relationship we implicitly accept that the other will leave us, or that we will leave them.  Grief is a normal and healthy part of this ending.  At the end of a relationship and afterward, we remember the grief we felt during the relationship and not only that we're feeling at the end.  So ironically, the worse a relationship was, the more we will grieve.  Often too, we're grieving for more than this ending, but the many others that are stacked inside us waiting for their chance to be cried out.

Grief hurts, but don't avoid it by partying or jumping right into another relationship.  Grief gives us impetus for growth and helps to ensure that we won't make the same mistakes twice.  Therapy is crucial during this time - it can assist us in addressing, processing, and resolving issues.  Since we're never mourning only the current issue, therapy will also help us work on buried issues from the past.  If you've been left, it's normal to have doubts about your will to live and your lovability, or even to want revenge.  And it's normal to talk to anyone who will listen.

Grief can't be willed away.  Don't attempt to let it go, but rather let it happen.  Allow it - yourself - to take all the time needed, regardless of friends who tell you to "get over it."  The scars left by brief can be ugly for years or can heal reasonably well.  The outcome depends on how well we work through the process.

It can be incredibly helpful to write letters.  These letters should never be sent, but are therapeutic through the process.  This is especially sage advice if you have the nagging need to tell your partner "one last thing" or give them "one bit of advice" which is often just a way to manipulate them to whatever response you desire.

"We become whole through relationships and through letting go of relationships."  - Sigmund Freud

 

To Stay, or Not to Stay... That is the Question

So that any friends or family reading this don't worry unnecessarily - and I hope that you don't - everything is fine in our relationship.  All of this is an effort to distill what I've learned and effectively communicate it to others.  My life path is one of growth and knowledge.  Effectively communicating and working through the roadblocks takes work.  Work that I'm happy to do because I know I have a wonderful partner.  One who speaks to my soul.  But, people are complicated, and no one is perfect.

Perhaps, you've hit a relationship roadblock.  You've tried to ignore it, then you decided to face up and talk about it.  And you've been talking about it... for weeks, months, years.  And things still haven't changed for the better.  How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

If you feel like somebody doesn’t care about you, and you feel this consistently, they probably don’t.  If you've both tried hard to change, and have taken the next steps of working with a therapist but are still unhappy, then maybe the relationship honestly can't work. 

How do you break off a toxic relationship?
When calling off a relationship, it’s important to be direct.  Ask your partner flat out where they see the relationship going.  If what they want and what you want are two different things, then you need to acknowledge this. Then you need to get support of friends, family, or a therapist during the breakup.  Allow them to help you grieve, and heal.  Talk about your experience and learn from it. Mindfully acknowledge the emotional experience of being in a toxic relationship and breaking free of it. Breathe, journal your feelings, and meditate. Reestablish your self esteem and worth as a unique person. Appreciate your strengths, and develop your interests. You deserve to feel good again.

What about the “I can change” plea?
If somebody has done something to you and you find that you can forgive them, then give them a second chance.  But if they continue to do it repeatedly, and you've confronted them with that reality, then it's time to leave.

Embrace Change. 
Change is your opportunity to create the life you want. What part of yourself has been neglected? Perhaps there is a trip you want to take, a subject you want to study, or a sport, hobby, language, or instrument you want to learn. Now is the time to love and honor yourself. Stay true to your interests and talents. Acknowledge and appreciate what makes you a valuable and unique person. Use that information to rebuild your sense of worth.

What are some good signs that you should stay?
Sometimes you just need to go with your gut.  Does the person share many common interests? Do they make you laugh?  Do you have a soul connection?  These are all reasons to work hard to overcome the hurdles before taking the easy way out.  Sometimes, the things that aren't working are dysfunctions in you and will simply be repeated with your next partner.
 

If we can successfully move past the conflict, and grow  both independently, and with our partner in the process, then love can expand to every facet of our life.  Success in the relationship can bring us such a deep level of security that it makes everything feel possible.  All obstacles in our life become bridges.  We may still have arguments, but they don't last long, they end in resolution, and they involve less replay of the past.  We take the content of the argument as information instead of criticism.  Instead of demanding that our expectations be met, we seek agreements.  We can now accept our partner as perfect, but in the way that an old shirt is perfect.

The psychological problems we have in relationships are the shadow of our spiritual journey.  Once we can come to peace with our partner, this peace radiates through our core.  We begin to realize that we can be angry with our partner and still love them, and they can do the same for us.  How liberating!  We're able to sustain love with other feelings.  It means that we or our partner can be weak or unavailable at times, and the other will still love us.  It's this openness and lack of judgment that fosters true commitment.  This is what helps us grow.

"Once we can accept that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, we can live wonderfully side by side.  As long as we succeed in loving the distance between one another, each of us can see each other as whole against the sky."   - Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Relationships: Should You Lower Your Expectations?

So maybe you have changed, and your good example still isn't rubbing off onto your partner.  Is it time to lower your expectations?

Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.  Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.

If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, they often have clear suggestion of what their partner could or should do to make things better. Most people really don’t want a new partner, they want is their existing partner – with changes.  When you're with someone in a committed partnership, you typically spend so much time together that all the little idiosyncrasies and flaws stand out.  These can be negative traits that we've inherited from our parents, and maybe things we should change.  Think of it like this - if you were at a party and had a piece of spinach in your teeth, wouldn't you want your partner to tell you?  Of course!

Same Partner, With Changes.  
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.

This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.

Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are. 

Changing Your Partner.

First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from?  Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support.  But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
 

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."  - Epicurus

Relationships: Should YOU Change?

Two key failure points in relationships are when:

1.  One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2.  When the others behavior is upsetting them

Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment.  Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally.  A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness. 

Change YOUR Behavior.  You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over.  Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits.  The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.

You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.

Model Mastery.  While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them.  For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything!  Excerpted from PBS.org article

Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation.  When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.

Just Do It!  There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it?  Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.

In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success.  Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again.  Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com

If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:

1.  Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2.  Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
3.  Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4.  Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5.  Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

But what if you relapse.  Then what?  How do you get back on track?

• Evaluate trigger for relapse
• Reassess motivation and barriers
• Plan stronger coping strategies
• Make new realistic specific goals
• And most of all, stay positive!

 

You now know a secret that few fully appreciate — that there’s more to creating change than meets the eye, more than those who like to invoke the “just do it” imperative may care to admit.  So, start where you are, take the steps forward that are appropriate for you now, and then just keep on going.

Honey, Can We Talk?

A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. All relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning effective communication skills to navigate through difficult topics.  It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management.

Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one “speaker” and one “listener” at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you're getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.

In Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell, there are some great tips to begin opening the line of real, honest communication.

1.  Hearing you say that, I feel...
2.  I want...
3.  I have some feelings to clear
4.  I'm getting triggered
5.  I appreciate you for...
6.  I hear you.  And I have a different perspective.
7.  Can we talk about how we're feeling

Susan goes into a lot of good detail about each one.  In particular, some suggestions that resonated with me are:

• That clearing the air regularly will teach you not to fear conflict, disagreement, or strong emotions.  It will also give you confidence that conflict can be resolved.  It's helpful to schedule a time daily or weekly so that anger and disappointment doesn't build up.  It prevents partners from being blindsided by a list of things they've done wrong during the entire history of the relationship.
• When you receive feedback, pause and take it in thoughtfully.  Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.  Do you feel relaxed or contracted, open or defended?  Share these feelings with your partner before you respond to the feedback so that they understand where you're coming from, and not reading in to what you say.  Think of what your partner is saying in terms of who your partner is.
• Avoid using phrases such as "You always" and "You never".  Generalization only serves to put the other person on the defensive, and isn't accurate.  Everything you say after these two words will be completely disregarded.
• Have your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.  Often, so much of what is said is interpreted differently, or we actually aren't speaking clearly enough about what we really mean or want.  This is the best was to avoid miscommunication.
• Most fears are fantasies about something that could happen in the future.  Being present is inherently empowering.  Your attention is focused where it ought to be - on the things you can affect.
• If you have a different perspective, be honest, but begin your feedback with "I hear you, and..."  All relationship require negotiation.  It's OK to agree to disagree.  Instead of giving in or trying to get your way, stating what you want alongside what you think the other wants creates a cooperative mindset.  This allows for more creative, mutually beneficial solutions to emerge.
• Take time to check in during an argument.  "Can we talk...?" is a way to step back from an intense interaction while it's still happening.  Once tempers cool down, when you can continue on with a dialogue instead of a shouting match.
• Openly share your appreciation of your partner.  When we appreciate each other as adults, we help each other heal from childhood wounds, which are often the primary cause of conflict to begin with.

Communication with one another is a powerful tool - it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.