Moving On

All relationships end  - some with separation, some with divorce, some with death.  This means that in entering a relationship we implicitly accept that the other will leave us, or that we will leave them.  Grief is a normal and healthy part of this ending.  At the end of a relationship and afterward, we remember the grief we felt during the relationship and not only that we're feeling at the end.  So ironically, the worse a relationship was, the more we will grieve.  Often too, we're grieving for more than this ending, but the many others that are stacked inside us waiting for their chance to be cried out.

Grief hurts, but don't avoid it by partying or jumping right into another relationship.  Grief gives us impetus for growth and helps to ensure that we won't make the same mistakes twice.  Therapy is crucial during this time - it can assist us in addressing, processing, and resolving issues.  Since we're never mourning only the current issue, therapy will also help us work on buried issues from the past.  If you've been left, it's normal to have doubts about your will to live and your lovability, or even to want revenge.  And it's normal to talk to anyone who will listen.

Grief can't be willed away.  Don't attempt to let it go, but rather let it happen.  Allow it - yourself - to take all the time needed, regardless of friends who tell you to "get over it."  The scars left by brief can be ugly for years or can heal reasonably well.  The outcome depends on how well we work through the process.

It can be incredibly helpful to write letters.  These letters should never be sent, but are therapeutic through the process.  This is especially sage advice if you have the nagging need to tell your partner "one last thing" or give them "one bit of advice" which is often just a way to manipulate them to whatever response you desire.

"We become whole through relationships and through letting go of relationships."  - Sigmund Freud

 

To Stay, or Not to Stay... That is the Question

So that any friends or family reading this don't worry unnecessarily - and I hope that you don't - everything is fine in our relationship.  All of this is an effort to distill what I've learned and effectively communicate it to others.  My life path is one of growth and knowledge.  Effectively communicating and working through the roadblocks takes work.  Work that I'm happy to do because I know I have a wonderful partner.  One who speaks to my soul.  But, people are complicated, and no one is perfect.

Perhaps, you've hit a relationship roadblock.  You've tried to ignore it, then you decided to face up and talk about it.  And you've been talking about it... for weeks, months, years.  And things still haven't changed for the better.  How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

If you feel like somebody doesn’t care about you, and you feel this consistently, they probably don’t.  If you've both tried hard to change, and have taken the next steps of working with a therapist but are still unhappy, then maybe the relationship honestly can't work. 

How do you break off a toxic relationship?
When calling off a relationship, it’s important to be direct.  Ask your partner flat out where they see the relationship going.  If what they want and what you want are two different things, then you need to acknowledge this. Then you need to get support of friends, family, or a therapist during the breakup.  Allow them to help you grieve, and heal.  Talk about your experience and learn from it. Mindfully acknowledge the emotional experience of being in a toxic relationship and breaking free of it. Breathe, journal your feelings, and meditate. Reestablish your self esteem and worth as a unique person. Appreciate your strengths, and develop your interests. You deserve to feel good again.

What about the “I can change” plea?
If somebody has done something to you and you find that you can forgive them, then give them a second chance.  But if they continue to do it repeatedly, and you've confronted them with that reality, then it's time to leave.

Embrace Change. 
Change is your opportunity to create the life you want. What part of yourself has been neglected? Perhaps there is a trip you want to take, a subject you want to study, or a sport, hobby, language, or instrument you want to learn. Now is the time to love and honor yourself. Stay true to your interests and talents. Acknowledge and appreciate what makes you a valuable and unique person. Use that information to rebuild your sense of worth.

What are some good signs that you should stay?
Sometimes you just need to go with your gut.  Does the person share many common interests? Do they make you laugh?  Do you have a soul connection?  These are all reasons to work hard to overcome the hurdles before taking the easy way out.  Sometimes, the things that aren't working are dysfunctions in you and will simply be repeated with your next partner.
 

If we can successfully move past the conflict, and grow  both independently, and with our partner in the process, then love can expand to every facet of our life.  Success in the relationship can bring us such a deep level of security that it makes everything feel possible.  All obstacles in our life become bridges.  We may still have arguments, but they don't last long, they end in resolution, and they involve less replay of the past.  We take the content of the argument as information instead of criticism.  Instead of demanding that our expectations be met, we seek agreements.  We can now accept our partner as perfect, but in the way that an old shirt is perfect.

The psychological problems we have in relationships are the shadow of our spiritual journey.  Once we can come to peace with our partner, this peace radiates through our core.  We begin to realize that we can be angry with our partner and still love them, and they can do the same for us.  How liberating!  We're able to sustain love with other feelings.  It means that we or our partner can be weak or unavailable at times, and the other will still love us.  It's this openness and lack of judgment that fosters true commitment.  This is what helps us grow.

"Once we can accept that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, we can live wonderfully side by side.  As long as we succeed in loving the distance between one another, each of us can see each other as whole against the sky."   - Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Relationships: Should You Lower Your Expectations?

So maybe you have changed, and your good example still isn't rubbing off onto your partner.  Is it time to lower your expectations?

Sure, no one's perfect, but if something is going on that is making you consistently unhappy in a relationship, then you have to ask yourself some serious questions.  Maybe it is about you, or your history, but it may also be about your partner, and theirs.

If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, they often have clear suggestion of what their partner could or should do to make things better. Most people really don’t want a new partner, they want is their existing partner – with changes.  When you're with someone in a committed partnership, you typically spend so much time together that all the little idiosyncrasies and flaws stand out.  These can be negative traits that we've inherited from our parents, and maybe things we should change.  Think of it like this - if you were at a party and had a piece of spinach in your teeth, wouldn't you want your partner to tell you?  Of course!

Same Partner, With Changes.  
What's important about this formula is that there are two parts to it. The first is obvious and one unhappy partners know well: in order for happiness to grow in a relationship, both people have to be willing to grow and change and act in ways that make their partner happier. But the second part of the formula is less commonly recognized: those efforts only work if the other person sees the effort, appreciates it, and believes that their partner is capable of the change.

This second part is key, because so often couples get into a cycle of negative perception of the other and all efforts go unnoticed and/or viewed with skepticism. This creates a cycle of frustration, apathy, and despair, and can often lead to the dissolution of the relationship. However, once both members of the couple begin to believe that the other person is working to better the relationship, and begin to have faith that things could change, they can experience the relationship entirely differently, even if actual changes have not yet been that great.

Growth and change is never easy. It can take time, and often takes encouragement and feelings of success along the way. It is up to us then, as much as our partners, to not only work towards creating a greater happiness, but to also believe in the possibility that growth and change are possible, and that the partner we have chosen is capable of it as much as we are. 

Changing Your Partner.

First, ask yourself - Is the change that you want in your partner one that they would benefit from?  Next, accept that you can't change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our partners will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Enlist your significant other as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your partner about your plan to change and enlist their support.  But what if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your partner? This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of change is at your service: Acceptance. When partners show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your partner makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as partner is indispensable. Excerpted from PBS.org article
 

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."  - Epicurus

Relationships: Should YOU Change?

Two key failure points in relationships are when:

1.  One or both partners feel that the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs, or
2.  When the others behavior is upsetting them

Couples often try to work through this themselves, but unfortunately, these discussions often turn into arguments with blame, guilt, anger and resentment.  Visiting a therapist and having an impartial mediator can be a key to moving through and past these conflicts and actually allow you to hear what the other person is saying without taking it personally.  A therapist will often teach you how to make yourself happy, and not look to each other for your happiness. 

Change YOUR Behavior.  You can change your behavior and try to improve your own conduct. Don't ever expect that you can change someone else, because you are the only person you have control over.  Ask yourself, “What can I do to make our relationship better?” Then do it without pressuring your partner to change. Sometimes this may mean changing your attitude to try and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Be content with all the good things your partner is and does, and be less troubled by their faults or minor bad habits.  The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.

You may ask yourself - Why doesn’t it matter to my partner? People are different. Men and women are different. And sometimes both want changes to a differing degree - more or less.

Model Mastery.  While you would certainly want to extend concern and offer help in finding resources or strategies for your partner, one strategy that helps partners stay positive and less angry or disappointed about the other is to take on changing some behavior in them.  For example, in the face of his wife’s three pack a day smoking habit which she did not want to speak about, one man decided to begin cutting back on his overeating and for the first time in his life joined a gym (also buying his wife a membership which she did not use). He then hired a trainer. Instead of criticizing or putting down his wife as he had been doing, he began to talk more about his experience at the gym, the people there and the small steps of progress he was making. Eventually he was talking less about it and looking remarkably different. As surprising as his weight loss was to him, was his wife’s decision to sign up for a class without saying anything!  Excerpted from PBS.org article

Ultimately, the key to change is desire and motivation.  When individuals think that change is beyond their capabilities, they may not try. People with low self-esteem especially need encouragement that change is possible.

Just Do It!  There’s something so commanding about those three simple words that Nike was compelled to trademark them. And wisely so. What better way to invoke the appeal of go-get-’em action — and to reject all the pointless dilly-dallying that so often seems to lead up to it?  Most of us also know from hard-won experience, though, that when it comes to making significant changes, launching ourselves into action is often harder than it sounds, and less productive than we hoped.

In fact, it turns out that “just doing it” — before you are emotionally ready and properly prepared to take on a particular goal — may be one of the fastest ways to sabotage your success.  Often, change evolves from a subtle, complex and sometimes circuitous progression — one that involves thinking, hesitating, stepping forward, stumbling backward, and, quite possibly, starting all over again.  Excerpted from ExperienceLife.com

If you're ready to change, then it's helpful to understand the stages:

1.  Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. Many individuals in this stage are unaware or under-aware of their problems.
2.  Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 
3.  Preparation is a stage that combines intention and behavioral criteria. Individuals in this stage are intending to take action in the next month and have unsuccessfully taken action in the past year.
4.  Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. Action involves the most overt behavioral changes and requires considerable commitment of time and energy.
5.  Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. For addictive behaviors this stage extends from six months to an indeterminate period past the initial action.

But what if you relapse.  Then what?  How do you get back on track?

• Evaluate trigger for relapse
• Reassess motivation and barriers
• Plan stronger coping strategies
• Make new realistic specific goals
• And most of all, stay positive!

 

You now know a secret that few fully appreciate — that there’s more to creating change than meets the eye, more than those who like to invoke the “just do it” imperative may care to admit.  So, start where you are, take the steps forward that are appropriate for you now, and then just keep on going.

Honey, Can We Talk?

A few common complaints of couples include he/she doesn’t listen to me, we don’t communicate well, and I don’t feel heard. All relationships will eventually have issues that need to be discussed. These issues may be big or small. Learning how to listen well and to communicate well involves learning effective communication skills to navigate through difficult topics.  It takes two to communicate well. Learning to talk and really listen to each other is the first step towards good communication that will lead to effective conflict management.

Each person in a relationship brings with them a style of communication that has been shaped by their family background, life experiences and personality. Sometimes this style of communication means that a person is more, or less, emotional or expressive when talking. One person is also more or less likely to be the one to bring up an issue. Become familiar with your own and your partner’s communication style. An important key to good communication is to remember that you can only have one “speaker” and one “listener” at a time. If you learn to practice these skills when you're getting along well they will be easier to use during difficult discussions.

In Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success by Susan Campbell, there are some great tips to begin opening the line of real, honest communication.

1.  Hearing you say that, I feel...
2.  I want...
3.  I have some feelings to clear
4.  I'm getting triggered
5.  I appreciate you for...
6.  I hear you.  And I have a different perspective.
7.  Can we talk about how we're feeling

Susan goes into a lot of good detail about each one.  In particular, some suggestions that resonated with me are:

• That clearing the air regularly will teach you not to fear conflict, disagreement, or strong emotions.  It will also give you confidence that conflict can be resolved.  It's helpful to schedule a time daily or weekly so that anger and disappointment doesn't build up.  It prevents partners from being blindsided by a list of things they've done wrong during the entire history of the relationship.
• When you receive feedback, pause and take it in thoughtfully.  Notice the sensations and feelings in your body.  Do you feel relaxed or contracted, open or defended?  Share these feelings with your partner before you respond to the feedback so that they understand where you're coming from, and not reading in to what you say.  Think of what your partner is saying in terms of who your partner is.
• Avoid using phrases such as "You always" and "You never".  Generalization only serves to put the other person on the defensive, and isn't accurate.  Everything you say after these two words will be completely disregarded.
• Have your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.  Often, so much of what is said is interpreted differently, or we actually aren't speaking clearly enough about what we really mean or want.  This is the best was to avoid miscommunication.
• Most fears are fantasies about something that could happen in the future.  Being present is inherently empowering.  Your attention is focused where it ought to be - on the things you can affect.
• If you have a different perspective, be honest, but begin your feedback with "I hear you, and..."  All relationship require negotiation.  It's OK to agree to disagree.  Instead of giving in or trying to get your way, stating what you want alongside what you think the other wants creates a cooperative mindset.  This allows for more creative, mutually beneficial solutions to emerge.
• Take time to check in during an argument.  "Can we talk...?" is a way to step back from an intense interaction while it's still happening.  Once tempers cool down, when you can continue on with a dialogue instead of a shouting match.
• Openly share your appreciation of your partner.  When we appreciate each other as adults, we help each other heal from childhood wounds, which are often the primary cause of conflict to begin with.

Communication with one another is a powerful tool - it can nurture feelings of love, admiration and respect. It can also have a negative impact by creating hurt feelings and anger. Learning effective ways to communicate won’t help you avoid conflict in your relationship, but it will help prevent the conflict you do have, from damaging your relationship.

 

Criticism and Complaints: Dealing with a Perfectionist

Perfectionism is considered sort of a virtue in our society. Perfectionists do a great job with the things they choose to focus on.  Every detail is considered, to a fault.  The unfortunate down-side to this is that perfectionists often are tortured by feelings of dread and relief in their efforts to reach this ideal.  And it often doesn't stop with them, as they want to expand their control to others around them - partners, children, co-workers.

As a partner, the controlling perfectionistic presents well - meticulously dressed, conscientious, hard-working and considerate. But before long they begin commenting on your actions - that things aren't clean enough, that you chew too loudly, that you don't do things their way. It may seem that they can always find the 1% that's wrong and ignore the 99% that's good. In spite of all of your best efforts, they seem impossible to please.

Perfectionism is very difficult to live with because you're always striving for some kind of magical fantasy ideal that no one can live up to.

In the book Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses and Other Incredibly Critical People by Neil J Lavender and Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD's they describe how to effectively deal with a controlling perfectionist so that they don't bring you down. 

Be patient. Perfectionists can seem neurotic to non-perfectionists. Sometimes you might even feel like you're being harassed, and a disagreement over a tiny detail can easily explode into an argument. Learn how to walk away when you feel angry and say "Let's talk about this later. I need to cool off." It also helps to avoid taking things personally.

Be Assertive.  When your feelings run high in a conflict situation simply state how you feel.  You don't have to explain why, but it's important to let the other person know that you feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, belittled, humiliated... when they speak like that to you.  Stick to your guns and don't back down.  Then examine how you feel afterward.  The next time you're tossing and turning in bed thinking of what you should have said, think of an assertive statement you can use next time.

Don't Argue Facts.  Even if you know the other person is wrong.  Your energy will be better spent expressing your views, opinions and feelings.  Debating facts may only antagonize your partner. 

Cultivate compassion. Many perfectionists struggle with fear of failure and criticism.  Remind the perfectionist that perfectionism is a choice, one that you have not chosen for yourself. It's important to explain to the perfectionist that having things "perfect" makes them happy, but it doesn't make you happy, and doesn't serve any constructive purpose in your life. This may be hard for the perfectionist to understand, especially if they are in a position of authority and believe that they know what's best for you.

Agree to maintain a certain standard. It doesn't have to be what they define as perfect, but it helps if you're willing to compromise by stepping closer in that direction than you normally would.

Perhaps after reading this you're wondering if you're the perfectionist in the relationship.  Take this Quiz to find out.  If the answer is "Yes", you can take these steps to overcome it:

• Cultivate mindfulness by asking yourself if your disappointment over an outcome is actually rooted in your perfectionism
• Practice accepting imperfection—in yourself and in your partners
• Acknowledge effort—on your part and on the part of your partners
• Invite feedback. If the prospect of criticism terrifies you, ask your partner to give you constructive feedback regularly so you can get used to hearing it without feeling judged

Remember, the way to partner with a soul mate is not to arrive as the perfect match for each other, but to become this over time. The key is how you will shape each other as your life together unfolds. Mutual growth towards this end requires each partner to express a full range of emotions, including feelings associated with a sense of personal vulnerability.
For more reading, check out A Personal Guide to Coping with Perfectionism.

  

Criticism and Complaints: Unmet Needs

Behind every criticism and complaint is an unmet need. What you could ask yourself is “What need might I have that’s not being met?” Then you can reframe the complaint to expressing a need. Giving yourself permission to express your needs helps validate them. Often, if we can see that our need is being heard, our pain is less acute. With luck, your partner will understand your sincerity and pain, and you can work through the issue(s) by:

• Talking about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want
• Avoiding phrases such as "You always" and "You never".
• Having your partner repeat back what they heard.  Check that the message was heard in the way it was meant to be delivered.
• Brainstorming and discussing solutions to the problem
• Agreeing to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going. 

But what if your honesty and vulnerability aren't met with openness, and a shared desire to move forward constructively?  This is a clear indication that you have some work to do.  If your partner is open, you can begin this process together with the aid of self help books, or seek the unbiased help of a couples counselor. If your partner is unwilling to do either, it's likely a sign that you're in a dead-end "toxic" relationship.
 

Toxic doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship.  Sometimes it's hard to know whether you are in good, mutually supportive relationships with your partner, friends and family. There are several signs to look for:

It’s all about the other person.  You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

You feel tired, drained or exhausted being around this person.  Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though your partner is always raising complaints about you, or is filled with general negativity.

You're always wrong.  The other person constantly puts you down or insists that they're right. Toxic partners are controlling and demeaning. They gain their power from taking away yours.  They tend to "keep score" and blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship.  If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into “the relationship scorecard” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.  If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

You’re not allowed to grow and change.  Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

You lack trust.  You find yourself constantly doubting your partners words, and don't feel comfortable making yourself vulnerable by expressing your true thoughts and feelings.
 
You or your partner drop “hints” and other passive-aggression.  Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, you try to influence each other. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.  A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it. 

You don't feel heard. When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, does your partner listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If they refuse to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, then you need to ask yourself, “What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?”

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.  Be honest with yourself. If both parties are not fully committed to actively working on changes such as mutual respect, open communication, and positive regard, then start walking and don't look back. 

It may also be helpful to look at what you can be responsible for. The way other people treat you can be a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. What can you do to start taking care of yourself? 

There are other great questions to ask yourself:

• Are your thoughts, opinions, and aspirations important, valued, and supported by the other?
• Have you been questioning yourself and doubting your decisions despite believing you're right?

In the book How to Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richio, he emphasizes the art of mindful loving.  Especially in conflict, it's important to protect yourself, and your internal spirit.  Here are some tips:  

• Don't allow yourself to get weighed down by the conflict, or let the other person belittle you. 
• Ask for what you want 100% of the time.  Say yes to yourself twice as often as you say no, but be willing to compromise.
• Choose reconciliation over ongoing feuding.  Never retaliate or use violence.
• Confront or turn away from those who bring you down, put you down, or try to control you.
• Express your creativity - begin a project you have only imagined.
• Cultivate a sense of humor.  Learn to play and to see the humor in daily events.
• Be bold in your decisions.
• Spend more time in nature.
• Dance, write, draw or sing your feelings.